Sunday, April 3, 2011

Choppy waters

A little nautical reference if you will. I'm feeling a bit lost on the high seas in the midst of storms. Nothing is really moving in a desired direction. My little dingy is at the complete mercy of things I can't control or influence.

The ovarian cyst is more than I had anticipated it would be. Dr. Google is absolutely right that the pain is amped up during menstruation. Ouch! I physically haven't felt like doing much of anything in fears of over-doing it and causing my angry friend to rupture. I like to think I'm a pretty tough cookie as I usually shoulder through most things, but I've had to resort to the painkillers to deal with my uncooperative body the last few days.

I'm quite a bit upset that I can't take my Femara this cycle. One more thing that is now out of my control. No telling when I'll end up ovulating this cycle. Yet, I'm secretly hoping that I'll hit the jackpot and be able to say that we ended up being one of those stories were after months of medical intervention, the cycle off from them is the cycle we conceived, all on our own and get to take home a baby from it. It's a long shot, but I have a tiny glimmer of hope that it could happen.

Outside my body, things are a bit tumultuous at work. The co-worker that returned from maternity leave a few weeks ago is making things a nightmare. The boss and her had an agreement that he would keep her on until after her maternity leave so she could have insurance for the birth, etc even though her funding has completely run out. He has bent over backwards trying to help her and keep her with an income during a very delicate time. She apparently isn't keeping her end of the deal. She won't resign, so he is left with 2 options: fire her and she gets no benefits or unemployment (and the rest of us have to take on her responsibilities) or keep paying her for the mandated 60d from termination notice and jeopardize the whole lab.

She can't really meet her job requirements anymore between her frequent (and necessary) breaks to go and pump, and her issues with child care. Between  her and the baby's daddy, they make a pretty decent living and are well above the poverty line. But somehow, they are unable to pay for any form of child care and have to rely on when their families (who aren't local) can stay to watch him? At the same time, she can go and have her hair cut and dyed, he can buy a new laptop, they can go out to eat and buy new cloths and such? I just don't get it?! They had 9m to work out how to afford a child and then 8wks to figure out care.

It makes me so furious! I've had to struggle and work my butt of for the things they are taking for granted! You have to make sacrifices for the things that are important to you! In college, I had to work 30hrs on top of my full course load to put myself through my undergraduate degree. My parents couldn't really help much financially at the time. Hence, my >$35k in school loans. But since I had to work for it, I made sure to get all that I could out of it. I'm proud to say I was able to pay my own way and be able to come out with a 3.8 GPA while working almost full-time and taking difficult science courses. For grad school, the Boy and I lived off of less than $25k a year between him working full-time, my stipend and any extra money we could make on the side. We lived in a crap apartment, then townhouse, still managed to pay our bills, pay our large medical expense and still save a bit. We didn't go out and party much because we really couldn't afford it.

Now, sure we are making more money, but a good chunk of it goes towards medical related things as well as our chances for a baby. We are not only having to physically work for our child to bring home the money to pay for housing, food, etc., we are having to pay for the chance to even conceive each and every month. It's a lot less than some people have to pay for the same, but still, it's an additional financial responsibility we have. Our financial well-being and baby dreams are now being influenced by someone that won't even make some minor lifestyle changes to afford child care! Our chances at a planned and much wanted baby are in jeopardy because of someone that accidentally got pregnant and can't put the needs of the child or others before their own wants!

Between all this, I've just wanted to pout and cry this weekend. Just sit and wallow in my own despair and pessimism. I know part of it is just because of the gloom that accompanies my period each cycle, but the rest is genuine feeling of hopelessness in our situation. There isn't anyone I can truly talk to about this in person/real life as the only person we know that went through any form of "infertility struggle" is my PG-SIL and all she does when we talk is go on and on about their situation and doesn't really listen. It doesn't really help that she is 8m pregnant and that's all that she seems to be able to talk about. I can understand that, but it's obviously not something I really want to keep subjecting myself to, all things considered.

I hate feeling so lost and alone, sad and hopeless.


  1. Wow - I'm so sorry things have been so rough for you lately. I hate when things are not good at work, it seems like they spill over and make we feel crappy all the time. Your boss sounds really awesome (most people wouldn't do everything he had done for your co-worker)though, I'm so sad when someone who is really nice gets stabbed in the back. I really hope it all works out. I'm always really depressed when things seems to 'work out' for people who don't put any effort in and then magically things work out for them. Sigh!

    Hang in there - you are not alone!

  2. Oh this all sounds so hard, I'm so very sorry that you're going through all of this. It's so hard, not only the canceled cycle but also the work stuff, I wish I could take it all away. Sending you a hug...

  3. I'm so sorry Christina. What an awful situation to be in. That would be hard to deal with on a day to day basis I'm sure. It's difficult to see people not treat being a mother like the miracle it is.

    Break cycles are the worst. There's no way around it. I really hope you are that statistic that all the fertiles talk about :)


  4. I am so sorry. It seems when it rains it pours. Dealing with IF is enough, then add other 'issues' on top of that and very quickly it can feel as though you are drowning. Take time for yourself and one day, (hopefully soon) it will be OUR turn!!!

  5. I'm so sorry that you are going through so much crap. (I've become quite fond of the word "crap," as it seems to apply to much that goes on in my life and the lives of those I care about, including you). I wish I had some magical advice to help you feel better, but I am in a crap place right now, too (see can be used as a noun and adjective..and a verb, but I won't go there).