Sunday, September 18, 2011

From Happy to Anxiety in 1 second flat!

 I don't know if it is the hormones, or what, but I've started having countless instances of extreme anxiety recently. I'll be happy, smiling, and just content with life one second, and petrified the next.

Holy. F'ing. Geez.

I've spent the last 16 months focusing on getting (and staying) pregnant. Why is it just now occurring to me start thinking (read: worrying) about actually having a baby and being a mom? I'll just be sitting/laying around, enjoying a few kicks and punches when -


Are we ready for a baby?!
Will we be good parents?!
Am I able to be 100% responsible for the well-being and life of another person?!

I've been so blinded by reaching the 1st step and keeping my footing that I haven't looked at the destination. I was so wrapped up in the idea of being pregnant and the thought of a baby that the actual baby was never a solid, corporeal thing.

While I'm sure this is completely normal, I still feel immensely guilty for it. Here I am at a place that so many women (and couples) would give limbs to be at, and I'm freaking out about it.

WTF, Christina!?!

I've had these thoughts a feelings off and on before, but more in a far away, day-dreamy sense. I don't know if it has to do with the fact that I can now see baby moving around from outside or the fact that people have started to buy us things and pass on baby stuff. maybe it's because "viability" is just around the corner. I don't know, but, we are at the point that we need to start putting things together and planning for this real, live, fast approaching baby that we so desperately wanted.

How much will I start freaking out when my lil sister moves out of the spare room, and I no longer have an excuse to put off doing a nursery? Or when we start up our registries? Or planning showers?*

Don't get me wrong. I still feel extremely and immensely blessed to be where I'm at, to have had a (so far) practically uncomplicated pregnancy. Insanely lucky, really. But I just can't seem to prevent these little, mini-panic attacks. I feel just horrible having them when this is something we worked so hard to have, for far less time (and money) than so many of you out there. I feel even worse complaining about them. However, I feel that if anyone could truly understand my fears and feelings, it would be this community. Very few people IRL seem to get my hesitation at diving head first into all things baby-obsessed.

"Gasp! You haven't started the nursery or a registry or named the baby and planned its whole life? You need to get on that! The baby will be here before you know it!!"

I'm sure there has to be some way to deal with all this anxiety and worry. I mean, something other than staying pregnant for the rest of my life. **

* My mom has mentioned planning one, but that (thankfully) got put on hold when my dad got laid-off. Now that he's been offered and accepted a job, she has a ton of other things on her plate to keep her busy and stressed-out over. The previously PG-SIL, however, emailed last night to offer to host/throw us one. We are touched, but I'm freaking out at the prospect of a) the registry, b) a huge fuss being made over me, and c) Holy crap- the impending avalanche of baby things.

** While I've enjoyed, truly enjoyed being pregnant, I couldn't fathom staying this way forever. I'm sure I'll reach the point where it would no longer be funny that I can't get up from laying down without rocking myself up/rolling to my side or dropping food on my now larger boobs and belly. That, and staying PG forever would make me HAVE to go shopping for maternity clothes, rather than making due with pj pants/yoga pants/stretching my regular shirts down for my wardrobe.

Monday, September 12, 2011

I've been a bad, bad blogger...

Good thing it's not against the law to not update your blog. Otherwise, I'd bee looking at some serious time in the hole.

I'm not sure exactly why, but I've just not been feeling the internet lately. I haven't had the obsessive urge to check my emails (yes, plural) or stalk FB or pin things like a fiend on Pinterest. I just haven't been that into the World Wide Web...

I can't say that I've been using all the time away from the computer on productive things, but some of it was. We've (I'm including myself even though I had limited involvement) demo'd our old cruddy, warped, and peeling back deck. I was on nail-flattening and water duty as I can't exactly swing the sledge hammer and such. The site has been prepped, rudimentary leveling and some basic measurements and placement of things. This weekend, after 2 marathon construction days, the upper level was erected and boarded, and the bottom level had the supports placed/sunk in and the framework done. There is just some bits of supporting left to do and then placing the boards.

I have to admit that I weaseled my way into doing some of the manual labor, despite some protests from a few of the helpers. I know my limitations, but I just can't stand by on the sidelines while everyone is sweating and grunting working on my project. I stuck with drilling mostly. I did some of the small board placements, plank cutting, and helped in some dirt leveling and stamping and block sinking.

Other than that though, I've just been sitting around, eating, sleeping, and just hanging out. Oh, and writing up a paper/manuscript for work. Blah. there just isn't a ton going on that is exciting, and I haven't had to motivation to write anything other than the paper (and most of the time, not even that...). I have been reading other blogs, but haven't really been commenting. For that I'm sorry! Like I said, I've been bad. Bad about blogging and bad about commenting. I hope everyone know that I'm secretly stalking your lives and cheering for you!