Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Wooooh, oooh, Feelings...

Mine have been a bit jumbled the last several days. I'm a hot emotional mess.

I see something cute or sweet online or in a movie/show - tear up.
I read a touching blog post - tear up.
I read/see good news - tear up.
Bad news - same.
If it can elicit an emotional response from a living being - tear up.

There aren't really raging hormones for me to blame it on as I haven't taken any hormonal supplements yet this cycle. Maybe it's just the accumulation of lots of little things?

Cricket had her pre-op blood work and radiographs today, surgery tomorrow, and pick-up on Friday afternoon. That's 3 days without my cuddle-bug. The post-maternity leave co-worker  decided to resign, but bumped up her last day to tomorrow. There's some finance stuff I'm concerned/worried about. And of course the obvious, infertility struggles and sensitivities there.

Apparently, write this post - tear up. I'm not sure what is up with me. Almost every trip to the ladies' room, I'm on the verge of tears in the stall. No reason. I find myself zoning out at work a lot more frequently these last few days, but no clue where my mind goes.

When I take some time and try to be introspective and try and sort through my feelings and emotions and what is their cause, all I come away with is I'm sad and I don't know why. I mean, sure, I could just take the easiest and obvious and say I'm sad because I'm not pregnant right now. That just isn't it though. It contributes, but not the reason for my blues.

The Boy, poor guy, was a sweetheart today. I sent him a text earlier warning him that I would be an emotional mine field this evening, most likely. I get home and instead of having to make dinner, he has some pizzas in the oven. He also picked me up not 1, but 2 cartons.- one of each of my 2 favorite ice creams at the moment. He even folded the laundry without my nagging him about it.

I'm so good at work "faking it to making it". Unless someone catches me unawares, they generally have no clue if I'm having a rough day or not. At home, I'm completely transparent. I can't seem to paste on the fake smile for the Boy. So all day, the co-workers get psuedo-smiley me, and he just gets mopey-frowny me.

Maybe is should just give in and have a good cry for no apparent, specific reason? I just hate crying. I'm an ugly crier. My nose and eyes go bright red and get swollen. My nose runs like a faucet. My voice gets thick and coarse. That's all within the first little bit. I wish I could say it just happens after a good, long boo-hoo session, but a few sniffles and tears is all it takes for my transformation. Unfortunately, it takes forever for it to settle down and return to normal appearance and any good cry leaves my face and head hurting.

This is not what I had in mind as I approach my (hopefully) fertile phase. It's a bit difficult to seduce a man when it looks like you've been maced, snot is streaming out your nose, and you sound like you just finished a pack of smokes. Plus, the slouchy, comfy clothes that I decide to wear don't have the same allure as lingerie or sexy outfits. Now, I could be convinced to cry more often if it had the same effect on CM and my boobs...


  1. Sometimes, everything just gets to be too much. And it won't move on until you let it move on. I could have written this post in days past - it happens to all of us. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, but when life gets too much, these feelings are very normal. And isn't it crazy how the rest of the world can get our fake happy selves, but the men in our lives get the real and not-so-fun versions of ourselves? But that means you two are completely comfortable with each other, and that's a great thing! I love how sweet he is to you!!!

    The main thing that has helped when I've been where you are now is a real serious cry. And who cares if you're an ugly crier - just explain that you need to let it out. Sending you a hug, and if I was there, I'd hand you tissues...

  2. I'm so sorry you are feeling the sadness so profoundly. I think it happens to all of us who stay on this road of infertility for any amount of time. I say...go for the good cry...let the ugly have it's hour or day. After one failed cycle, I remember crying so hard that my throat almost closed and I made these horrible mewling some dying animal. My limbs turned to jello and my husband had to walk out of the room because it was too scary for him to watch. Mine just came...without permission...but I would have given it permission to get it out of my system. My hubby still loves me (and may have even forgotten about the little episode) and I felt so much better afterwards. Either way...I hope the case of the weepies goes away.

  3. I'm sorry you're down. But - I'm a big advocate of the ugly cry. Probably best to do it once you get home, but sometimes there's nothing better than bawling your eyes out for a good hour - including screaming when needed. It's a huge release. I had a nice ugly cry two days after AF showed up. And yes, I was swollen and red, but man, did I feel better after.
    Go for it! Your man will forgive you for the redness I'm sure!

  4. Oh my gosh, I can 100% relate to this post right now. I feel like an overwhelming feeling of sadness has settled over me, and the only reason I can think of is because I'm not pregnant. Like you, I feel bad for my hubby because after putting on a 'happy' face at work all day, I just lay around feeling sorry for myself all evening. I hate crying too, but I've found that crying in the car while I'm by myself works well and I usually feel better afterwards. Although if it's going to be a really big cry, I would make sure you're not on a busy road, you don't want to crash into someone :)

  5. I hate that you are going through this, but I can totally understand! I think just the process of 'trying' makes emotions rage then add hormones (added to your own bodies) things get a little crazy!! So thankful you have an understanding, sweet husband thinking about you :)