Goodbye, February. What a blur you were! I can't believe it will be March tomorrow. You had so many ups and downs that I'm not really sure what to make of you as a whole. You gave me the most heartbreaking experience of my life, but also some beautiful weather and a super sweet Valentine from the boy. I guess it is time that we go our separate ways now. It's kinda bittersweet, but really for the best.
Hello, March! I hope you continue with the great weather and the sweetheart of a husband. I'm holding a lot, a LOT of expectations of you to be loads better than February. You hold the start of Spring and St. Patrick's day. I'm hoping you hold another BFP for me too. That may be a lot to ask from an intangible concept of time, but I hope you pull through for me.
Goodbye, ICLW. I let you down this month, I know. I wish I could blame it on this being my first, but it's really because I got lazy, felt unmotivated and laggy. You weren't the only one that suffered. I'm really sorry. If I participate next month, I will do my absolute best to keep on top of the commenting and all. I'm not making any promises, because I hate making ones that I end up unable to keep. But I will try!
Hello, all you new people that have come to my humble little blog through ICLW, etc. I am wishing all of you the best of luck in this green and fortuitous month that is March!
Monday, February 28, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
The Outing
First, Thanks for all the comments Ladies! As for the sleepless bit, I love white noise but it sorta irritates the Boy. Maybe we can find something that would work for the both of us? Hopefully, it goes away really soon.
Second, the parent visit went well. They didn't bring the uncomfortable topic up, so neither did I. There was no tiptoeing around it; it just didn't come up in the course of our conversations. There was the vague "How have ya'll been?" and "Are things going alright with work and all?" as well as greeting hugs, etc. We played with the dogs and just chatted for a bit. Then, out and about to a few places, trying to find us a new coffee table to replace our 7 or 8yr old table. Upon departure, my mom told us to take care and let them know if we need anything between now and their next visit (which is tentatively set for April sometime). "Feel free to stop by our way any time. You should look up here for that coffee table." All in all, a good visit, and very chill.
Some of the comments on my last post as well as several other people's blog posts have got me thinking. Maybe I should come out to just the family about our problems with infertility. Holding onto the "secret" is getting old. I'm tired of hiding it and covering for it. And I'd love to connect to someone IRL about IF
At the same time, I'm absolutely petrified about sharing it and the immense vulnerability that goes along with it. What will people say or do? Will I get the usual garbage advice about relaxing and what worked for cousin Mark's wife's sister's friend? Will I be handled with kid gloves like I'm some sort of fragile piece of glass emotions? All that and I really don't want people to continually be checking on how things are "progressing" especially if they aren't. I don't want nor need any additional reminders than I currently already have about our non-conceived status.
What is the best way to put this news out there? I'm most definitely not the type to post to Facebook "Hey everyone! I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm infertile. After 10 cycles and 5mo of treatment, I'm still not pregnant. I did get pregnant in Jan and then had an early miscarriage. 'Kay thanks, bye." But I'm not sure I want to do it over the phone. I want to be able to put the facts on the table and not have any immediate comments or questions. I want my cake and I want to eat it too.
Why couldn't things be easier and I "accidentally" got knocked up our 1st month off prevention?
Second, the parent visit went well. They didn't bring the uncomfortable topic up, so neither did I. There was no tiptoeing around it; it just didn't come up in the course of our conversations. There was the vague "How have ya'll been?" and "Are things going alright with work and all?" as well as greeting hugs, etc. We played with the dogs and just chatted for a bit. Then, out and about to a few places, trying to find us a new coffee table to replace our 7 or 8yr old table. Upon departure, my mom told us to take care and let them know if we need anything between now and their next visit (which is tentatively set for April sometime). "Feel free to stop by our way any time. You should look up here for that coffee table." All in all, a good visit, and very chill.
Some of the comments on my last post as well as several other people's blog posts have got me thinking. Maybe I should come out to just the family about our problems with infertility. Holding onto the "secret" is getting old. I'm tired of hiding it and covering for it. And I'd love to connect to someone IRL about IF
At the same time, I'm absolutely petrified about sharing it and the immense vulnerability that goes along with it. What will people say or do? Will I get the usual garbage advice about relaxing and what worked for cousin Mark's wife's sister's friend? Will I be handled with kid gloves like I'm some sort of fragile piece of glass emotions? All that and I really don't want people to continually be checking on how things are "progressing" especially if they aren't. I don't want nor need any additional reminders than I currently already have about our non-conceived status.
What is the best way to put this news out there? I'm most definitely not the type to post to Facebook "Hey everyone! I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm infertile. After 10 cycles and 5mo of treatment, I'm still not pregnant. I did get pregnant in Jan and then had an early miscarriage. 'Kay thanks, bye." But I'm not sure I want to do it over the phone. I want to be able to put the facts on the table and not have any immediate comments or questions. I want my cake and I want to eat it too.
Why couldn't things be easier and I "accidentally" got knocked up our 1st month off prevention?
Friday, February 25, 2011
The Parent Trap
Well, it's really just a visit, but I feel kinda stuck in a trap. We initially invited my parents down a few days after I got that positive test last month. We were over do a visit with them (the last was Christmas) and we figured I'd have an early u/s done by then and could share the pics to announce our news.
We all know how things turned out there. And with the subsequent parental phone calls. I'd feel kinda "douche baggy" as the Boy would say, to cancel the visit just because it's now just another visit. I even dropped my mom a line on FB to see if they still planned on coming this weekend. (It is far quicker and easier than calling her, trust me). They'd be bringing their 2 dogs to come play with our monsters out in the backyard, etc. She said they were still intending to come "unless of course, I didn't feel up to it". They'd understand.
Now, all I'm envisioning is my mom asking me questions about the m/c and stuff and my dad trying to awkwardly avoid it and talk about the weather, etc with Boy. I'm also super nervous that the whole things is going to be completely avoided like the plague even though it is that big pink elephant in the corner of the room with a top hat and tutu. I don't really know what I'm expecting to happen or not happen tomorrow. I really don't want to talk about the loss, but I don't want to tiptoe around it and pretend it didn't happen and everything is just honky-dory.
And what if they ask when we will start trying again?! Do I tell them that we ignored the Dr that has seen all my lady bits and insides via phalli-cam, and had lots of sex last week and "here's hoping!" Or just say "yes" or "sorta"? What if they want to know the details of the last 8 months of our trying and the "issues" we mentioned we had been having? How much detail do my parents really want to know and do I want to give them? We don't really talk about that stuff in my family, except if we are making a joke about it.
I guess I'll just have to wait and see how it goes. I've gotten super great at that since we 1st started trying and like to fancy myself an expert at it by this point. Christina, waiting and seeing expert!
We all know how things turned out there. And with the subsequent parental phone calls. I'd feel kinda "douche baggy" as the Boy would say, to cancel the visit just because it's now just another visit. I even dropped my mom a line on FB to see if they still planned on coming this weekend. (It is far quicker and easier than calling her, trust me). They'd be bringing their 2 dogs to come play with our monsters out in the backyard, etc. She said they were still intending to come "unless of course, I didn't feel up to it". They'd understand.
Now, all I'm envisioning is my mom asking me questions about the m/c and stuff and my dad trying to awkwardly avoid it and talk about the weather, etc with Boy. I'm also super nervous that the whole things is going to be completely avoided like the plague even though it is that big pink elephant in the corner of the room with a top hat and tutu. I don't really know what I'm expecting to happen or not happen tomorrow. I really don't want to talk about the loss, but I don't want to tiptoe around it and pretend it didn't happen and everything is just honky-dory.
And what if they ask when we will start trying again?! Do I tell them that we ignored the Dr that has seen all my lady bits and insides via phalli-cam, and had lots of sex last week and "here's hoping!" Or just say "yes" or "sorta"? What if they want to know the details of the last 8 months of our trying and the "issues" we mentioned we had been having? How much detail do my parents really want to know and do I want to give them? We don't really talk about that stuff in my family, except if we are making a joke about it.
I guess I'll just have to wait and see how it goes. I've gotten super great at that since we 1st started trying and like to fancy myself an expert at it by this point. Christina, waiting and seeing expert!
Thursday, February 24, 2011
I need to recharge the batteries
It's a bit of an oxymoron to be so tired and worn down but not able to sleep, right? The last week and a half, I feel fatigued all day which doesn't help with my already lacking motivation and dragging productivity. I get home and feel like a zombie checking email and websites and blogs. Too tired to do my usual nighttime routine and just do the quick version. Once I hop into bed and get comfortable though, wide awake.
My mind isn't racing. I'm relaxed. I'm freaking tired as all get out (does anyone else say that? The Boy makes fun of me for it). Why can't I fall asleep? I eventually drift off after quite a while, but end up waking back up for no reason. Not too hot, not too cold, not uncomfortable and no noises disturbing me. I just wake up. Having a drink before bed doesn't help. Reading doesn't help. Eating. Not eating. I can't seem to beat it. The only time I sleep really really well is the last few hours before I have to go to work. 4-8am is when I've been getting my best sleep.
I really wish I could blame the lack of energy on something awesome like being pregnant or something. Alas, it's just good ol' insomnia. It creeps around and stays for a few weeks every now and then throughout the year. I could probably get a script for some sleep aids from my Dr, but I really don't like taking meds unless absolutely necessary. Or at least absolutely necessary to make the baby that I really want (which is hopefully making its way down my tubes and prepping itself for burrowing into my uterus here in the next week or so!).
Regardless of why the lack of sleep, I have not been doing my appropriate amount of commenting each day. I feel really guilty about it. I just can't bring myself though to leave a comment on someone's blog just to leave a comment. I have to have something to add or at least contribute in some way. Lately, I'm just glad I can string together a few sentences periodically throughout the day that sound coherent and make at least some sense to the person with which I'm speaking.
Please forgive me my ICLW trespasses. I'll try to make up for it next month. I should be post-insomnia zombified by then. In the meantime, I'd really like to know what all your nighttime/sleep rituals are!
My mind isn't racing. I'm relaxed. I'm freaking tired as all get out (does anyone else say that? The Boy makes fun of me for it). Why can't I fall asleep? I eventually drift off after quite a while, but end up waking back up for no reason. Not too hot, not too cold, not uncomfortable and no noises disturbing me. I just wake up. Having a drink before bed doesn't help. Reading doesn't help. Eating. Not eating. I can't seem to beat it. The only time I sleep really really well is the last few hours before I have to go to work. 4-8am is when I've been getting my best sleep.
I really wish I could blame the lack of energy on something awesome like being pregnant or something. Alas, it's just good ol' insomnia. It creeps around and stays for a few weeks every now and then throughout the year. I could probably get a script for some sleep aids from my Dr, but I really don't like taking meds unless absolutely necessary. Or at least absolutely necessary to make the baby that I really want (which is hopefully making its way down my tubes and prepping itself for burrowing into my uterus here in the next week or so!).
Regardless of why the lack of sleep, I have not been doing my appropriate amount of commenting each day. I feel really guilty about it. I just can't bring myself though to leave a comment on someone's blog just to leave a comment. I have to have something to add or at least contribute in some way. Lately, I'm just glad I can string together a few sentences periodically throughout the day that sound coherent and make at least some sense to the person with which I'm speaking.
Please forgive me my ICLW trespasses. I'll try to make up for it next month. I should be post-insomnia zombified by then. In the meantime, I'd really like to know what all your nighttime/sleep rituals are!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
ICLW and falling behind
Sorry to be an absentee on the 1st day of ICLW, but work has been kicking my butt this week. If this is your 1st time dropping by- Thanks so much for stopping in and checking me out! I could do a new post that sums up our TTC journey or I can just link you back to these 1st 2 posts I did that gives you the whole run down up to last month: The last 10 months, part 1 & part 2. One of these days, I'll figure out how the heck to make a sub-page on this here blog that will have all this info nicely outlined. Until then, you have to read through my posts!
On to the 2nd part of this post title! I'm falling behind! Not really, just not as far ahead at work and home as I'd like to be. I'm sure it doesn't help when things are added onto my plate and I have to deal with them immediately, putting of the things I had initially planned on doing. Hello, Type A! Major problem there. I don't like my plans being disrupted! Things should get better by the week after next as a co-worker returns from maternity leave so I won't have to be covering for her share of the work any more.
As for home, if anyone has a spare couple of hours they'd like to come and help me clean, paint, and do one of the other kajillion things on my to-do list for the house, come on over! I've been pretty good about letting these things slide the last several months, but I think with my parents impending visit this weekend, I'm feeling more pressure to whip the house into presentable shape. If only I could direct the small amount of motivation I have towards that and work, rather than baby stuff...
I wrote a comment on Mel's post. Yeah. Don't tell my boss, but since we can access gmail at work for calendar purposes, I've been using that and the google reader to keep up-to-date on peoples posts and such. We aren't allowed to check many "outside" sites or do things non-work related. I can't help it though. I'm desperate to know if so and so got their test results or if there was 2 lines on whose-it's preg test, and how protocol A is treating XYZ and who is having what symptoms in their 2ww.
I will admit something else while I'm being so open. I've been filling my time with all these other peoples' lives to distract me from the omnipresent and overbearing shadow of TTC that I'm sure the rest of ya'll know fairly well. Getting wrapped up in those goings-ons keeps me from having to focus on my own. I do genuinely care about all your stories/lives, and I feel a bit selfish to be using them as distractions, but I can't seem to help it. I hope that ya'll can forgive that!
ps- Still waiting for confirmation of O, but I'm pretty sure I'm in my own 2ww now and will be needing ya'lls bright and shiny posts to keep my attention from myself.
On to the 2nd part of this post title! I'm falling behind! Not really, just not as far ahead at work and home as I'd like to be. I'm sure it doesn't help when things are added onto my plate and I have to deal with them immediately, putting of the things I had initially planned on doing. Hello, Type A! Major problem there. I don't like my plans being disrupted! Things should get better by the week after next as a co-worker returns from maternity leave so I won't have to be covering for her share of the work any more.
As for home, if anyone has a spare couple of hours they'd like to come and help me clean, paint, and do one of the other kajillion things on my to-do list for the house, come on over! I've been pretty good about letting these things slide the last several months, but I think with my parents impending visit this weekend, I'm feeling more pressure to whip the house into presentable shape. If only I could direct the small amount of motivation I have towards that and work, rather than baby stuff...
I wrote a comment on Mel's post. Yeah. Don't tell my boss, but since we can access gmail at work for calendar purposes, I've been using that and the google reader to keep up-to-date on peoples posts and such. We aren't allowed to check many "outside" sites or do things non-work related. I can't help it though. I'm desperate to know if so and so got their test results or if there was 2 lines on whose-it's preg test, and how protocol A is treating XYZ and who is having what symptoms in their 2ww.
I will admit something else while I'm being so open. I've been filling my time with all these other peoples' lives to distract me from the omnipresent and overbearing shadow of TTC that I'm sure the rest of ya'll know fairly well. Getting wrapped up in those goings-ons keeps me from having to focus on my own. I do genuinely care about all your stories/lives, and I feel a bit selfish to be using them as distractions, but I can't seem to help it. I hope that ya'll can forgive that!
ps- Still waiting for confirmation of O, but I'm pretty sure I'm in my own 2ww now and will be needing ya'lls bright and shiny posts to keep my attention from myself.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
All Systems Go.
I'm about to "launch" into my 1st ever IComLeavWe! I'm super stoked about it! I am also amazed at the number of blogs participating. 160! Absolutely unreal! The overachiever in my really entertained the notion of doing the Iron Commenter challenge, but I honest don't think I could leave 160 comments in 1 week, at least not substantial ones. I do think I will try to at least read a post from all of the participating blogs, though. This sorta feels like one of those scavenger hunt I use to do when I was in Girls Scouts years and years ago. The anticipation of the start; planning out the strategy. Thrilling! I can't wait to start it tomorrow!
Another exciting thing is that I finally! got my + opt this afternoon! I fully expect to actually ovulate tomorrow somewhere between mid-morning and early afternoon. Any cycle that I've used opt's, ovulation followed my positive by 12-18hrs. I've never gone 24hr or more between my LH surge and my lovely and oh-so-strong ovary pain that signal my egg making a break for it.
I may still be in the motivational mire, but at least I have some things to be excited about and to help pass the time until I make my way out the the muck. It is both comforting and unfortunate that so many of us/ya'll also feel stuck, but at least there is great company here!
Another exciting thing is that I finally! got my + opt this afternoon! I fully expect to actually ovulate tomorrow somewhere between mid-morning and early afternoon. Any cycle that I've used opt's, ovulation followed my positive by 12-18hrs. I've never gone 24hr or more between my LH surge and my lovely and oh-so-strong ovary pain that signal my egg making a break for it.
I may still be in the motivational mire, but at least I have some things to be excited about and to help pass the time until I make my way out the the muck. It is both comforting and unfortunate that so many of us/ya'll also feel stuck, but at least there is great company here!
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Stuck.
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| Thanks, Google Images |
I'm not sure if I should blame it on the cold weather that has lingered for far too many months (this is the South, come on!), the lack of sunlight and fun stuff to do outside, or the fact that I'm on cd-freakin-20 and not really sure if there is any sign of ovulation in my near future (I've had 10 days of absolutely, not even close to positive OPTs). Maybe it's all of the above.
I've been back to work for 2 full weeks now, and still not fully motivated to get there as early as I use to or stay as late, or cram as much productivity in the work day as my great multitasking skills will let me. I love my job. I think it is generally interesting and exciting and enjoy being there as much as someone can want to be at work. But lately, I can't get myself to get up with my alarm, stop checking my email/blogs/Facebook, or eat breakfast and pack my lunch in a timely fashion to be at work by the usual 9am. On top of that, by the time 4 o'clock rolls around, all I can think about is going home. That I blame on the Boy as he calls me when he's leaving work at 4.
I'm not depressed, per se. I know that state of mind far more intimately than I'd like. I've actually been the happiest I've been in ages since we started TTC (or WTC). I'm just feeling stagnant. I'm just treading water at work and waiting in ovulation limbo. There's no forward progress, no building momentum, no push to do things at the moment. It's all very bland and boring. I'm in desperate need of a visit from the Motivation Fairy. I think she's related the Tooth Fairy. I just need to figure out what to leave under my pillow for her...
I really want to start my 1st Quarter/Spring house cleaning and organizing. I want to get out in the yard and plant stuff, rips stuff up and make it green again. I'd love to start taking the pups on long, evening or morning walks around our neighborhood regularly. I'd like to be able to look back on each day and feel accomplished in what I've done. Unfortunately, that all takes energy and drive to actually get off my lazy butt and get started. I wish each I could currently enter each day with the outlook of "Anything is possible; it's a brand new day". If only each day didn't seem exactly like the one before it and the one before that. I've been mindlessly going through the motions. Lather. Rinse. Repeat Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday; add conditioner Saturday and Sunday.
Any suggestions or words of wisdom of how to get unstuck?
Update: Apparently, my body got tired of the smack I've been talking and finally decided it's going to do something. I struck "gold" this afternoon! Looks like ovulation my be in my plans for this next week.
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