AND!

And! I left my lunch at home today and had to buy something at the cafeteria.

And! I think I may have started my period several days early. Woo freakin' hoo.

At least FF gave me 5 free days of VIP membership so now all can see I've been suffering from road congestion for the last 9d. I <3 progesterone suppositories.

Why is it only Wednesday?

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Update: I have indeed started early. Cycle #11 here I come. Goodbye 2011 baby. Maybe the in-laws will get that February, April, or June baby to fill in lack of birthdays for those months in the family.

12wks

This time 2m ago, I was pregnant. Newly pregnant. If things had gone well, I'd be almost 13wks and entering the 2nd trimester. I'd be starting to share the news with non-immediate family members and not-so close friends. I probably wouldn't be making a FB about it, but if I did, it would probably be as subtle as my IF outings.

Instead, I'm 10dpo and not feeling too promising about this cycle. I'm trying not to think about these things. Trying to ignore "symptoms" and not think about what cd I'm on or when I'd be late.

Yeah. That's not working so well. It's all I can think about. X number of days until I'd be late. X number of dpo. If I was pregnant, X number of weeks until this or that. It's probably not healthy. Unfortunately, I do it without really thinking and without realizing I'm doing it until it's done. I'm just too comfortable with numbers. Maybe I'm calculating all this as a way of comforting myself? I don't know.

What I do know is I'm fully expecting to move onto TTC in April. I'm hoping to be pregnant again by my birthday at the end of May, but even that isn't looking like much of a possibility in my mental calculations. Also in my calculations, is the amount of money we spend each month on vitamins, supplements, and Rx's for the snowball-in-hell's chance of getting pregnant again. Just shy of $150. I know that is no where close to what some women pay each month for injectibles, u/s, etc with more intense treatments. Still, that $1,500 (~2,000 + co-pays and all) that we've spent so far without anything to really show for it, except for 2 hpts with their faint, now crusty lines that are currently taking up space in a landfill, roughly the size of the hole in my heart.

For those that like to keep tabs on other people's 2ww symptoms:
-Nauseous, catch in my throat feeling (like I had 2m ago), but since 2dpo.
-Dull and periodic ache in my Right boob and under that armpit since 7dpo
-Strong, stabbing/pinching pains (similar to O pains) on my right side, just inside my hip yesterday and a bit Monday evening.

And that's it. But now I'm off to a busy, fun-(un)filled day at work, running around like a headless chicken to get the multitude of things I have to do today done.

Wishing everyone else a great Wednesday! Enjoy the last 2 days of March and I'll see you in April!

The Outing, revisited

While I was listening to some archived podcasts (is that the right word?) from the Fertility Focus Telesummit 2011, I was reading several various IF sites and blogs and it struck me. I'm slowly going to let myself come out to the world in general about our struggles to conceive.

We've now told family and friends. The parents. B & PG-SIL. I've messaged/emailed a close friend (the one I sent the baby sling to) and filled her in, now that she's moved onto her 2nd trimester. I've told a few work friends, but that's about it.

I posted that link to my FB page a while ago and got no responses. Well, let's see what I get now that I have joined the Resolve FB page/group and liked the Self article on Infertility Awareness. These are posted on my profile and my feed. I'm also contemplating a post in the near future fully outing myself as an Infertile and that baby-making isn't easy for everyone. It is very scary, nerve-wracking, relieving and empowering at that same time.

I've started off slowly and subtly, and I'd like to think here in the next few months, I'll have it out there in the open. Where all the world can see. Where it will no longer feel like a dirty, shameful little secret that has to be kept hidden. One little step at a time, but I'll get there.

I am the 1in 6 couples that has fertility issues. I am the 1 in 4 pregnancies that end in loss. I am tired of keeping it quiet.

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Update: I just wanted to thank you all for the great comments and support! It is surprising how even just small steps such as a simple click of the "like" button can fill us with so much fear and confusion! I'm deeply grateful to have you all at my back, cheering.

My mom "liked" my link to the Self article and another friend (house-warmer) "liked" my attendance of the FF Telesummit. While it's just 2 people, it's 2 more people than the day before that know and care. Maybe after in a bit, my outings will be a bit more overt. Maybe I'll even have one in public *gasp* 

On 2nd thought,  probably not for quite a while yet.

Word Mojoless

I'm suffering from Blogger's block. There isn't anything much weighing on my mind lately other than "Will I get/stay pregnant this cycle?" and I'm not about to make posts based solely on "symptoms". We all know that they are just a load of hog-wash unless you hugging a toilet or are late. I highly doubt my nauseous feelings today (at 3-5dpo) could at all be indicative of being knocked-up (more likely I possibly had the flu or a bug as a coworker is out the week sick).

I could make another post about my dialogue with the PG-SIL. She got my last email and decided to IM me (something she hasn't done in about 6-10m). The conversation played out exactly as I thought it would. We did the 20 questions type thing as she asked how, what, when, where and why. It was quickly followed with "I did this" and "we found that this worked for me" and "You should check out opks to determine your O and confirm it with temping". Oh and "did they happen to give me an Rx for clomid?" because that worked for her. We then discussed various forms of progesterone. Apparently, my Master's degree isn't as sufficient a knowledge base as what she's learn the 4-5m before getting pregnant this time. She did have some helpful tips and tidbits about Rx pricing and insurance type things so I was able to come away from the session with something.

My mom called today to check in on me. She saw the link on FB I had up the other day and thought I was having a rough day and wanted to see how I was and all. Very sweet of her, and I greatly appreciated it. It does seem that people don't necessarily believe me when I tell them that we are doing well, considering, and are ready to move on from there. It's probably confusing to them that I've come to terms with my m/c but not with other people's pregnancies and babies. I can talk about the loss now without crying or getting very emotional, but stick me in a room with expectant or new mothers? I'll lose it. I'm pretty sure it's a "you had to be there" thing. If you haven't gone through a loss or a struggle to get pregnant, you won't get how I (we) react differently to rather similar things.

Last thing I can think to mention is how not only am I stumped and baffled by my early ovulation, my FF chart is also confused. My temp increase today has it thinking maybe I popped my egg on cd15 now, but gave me solid crosshairs for cd14 yesterday. Not sure why, but on medicated cycles, I have slow rises. It usually takes a day, maybe 3 for them to get to the elevated, thermal shift point. It is kind of amusing to be a mystery, wrapped in an enigma, surrounded by crazy and fertility-enhancing paraphernalia!

WTF?

So I think I may have ovulated? (And yes, I meant it as a question)

Each and every month that I've taken the Femara, I've ovulated on cd16. That's 5 consistent cycles of cd16 O. I would get a day or 2 of fertile CM around cd10, and then start the watery/EW around cd14, and it would continue until the day after O. I got O pains each and every time. My sex drive perks up, blah blah blah.

As expected, had some watery CM on cd11/12 at the end of last week. Then, my body throws me a curve ball and goes straight to EW. Still ok as it should continue on for the next several days and after O on cd16... Orrr just through the weekend, and my temp jumps up yesterday and today. Makes me super glad that I am a good and dutiful wife and gave the Hubs some lovin' even though I wasn't in BDing gear just yet! If we had waited for my usual O friskiness, we'd be sitting this 2ww out and waiting for April.

I have never (that I've had record of) ovulated before cd16. Not in the 9m of TTC, not in the 4m before that I was tracking my period and "ovulatory fluid". Never. Yet, here I sit, most likely 2dpo, but possibly 3, on CD16. Yup! I ovulated on the textbook cd14 it would seem. (I hope this results in a textbook pregnancy!) Now for the fun part- the 2ww and progesterone suppositories! High five? Anyone?

In other news, the PG-SIL emailed me back. Apparently, she's been having an hectic week due to some family issues and that delayed her response. She was sorry to know we had gone through "similar" experiences as they did and that I hadn't felt comfortable in using her as a support resource. Oh, and do I want her to RSVP for me for her shower, or do I want to contact the host personally?

O.O   Uh, I don't know, that was the whole point of the initial email. As for the support she could have offered- she most definitely could relate to the emotions of going through a miscarriage, that I don't doubt. I just don't think she would get that we needed help right out the gate, and pretty much were told we stood no chance outside of $$IVF$$, then to loose our miracle pregnancy just as quickly as it came. By the time we told anyone, we were both well on the road to healing. I'm not sure how much she could have helped at that point, to be honest. I'm not sure what knowledge she could have passed onto me about TTC or "infertility" at that point that I wasn't already aware of after these last 6m. We aren't exactly what I would consider "close", but the brothers are, so I'm more amicable to her than I am to the other SIL.

Now, I need to formulate my reply to her email without blowing my top and all. I can not tell her what I've written here without it screwing things up between us all again. I'll sleep on it and see what I come up with this time. Tomorrow looks to be a whirlwind of a day- (10hr work day, 4 interviewees to coordinate, SIL email, and that's only the things that are currently planned!

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Update! I thought about my email quite a bit last night while I was laying in bed, unable to fall asleep. This is what I sent her this morning:

I'm sorry to hear that there are such stressful issues going on with your family. Hopefully, things get worked out soon for ya'll

As for the RSVP, I guess I can just tell [host] that I will most likely attend, but not 100% definite at the moment.

As for the miscarriage, [Hubs] and I felt that it was a personal thing that we should deal with together. We hadn't even told the parents until things ended and we had recovered. We have just recently reached the point that we are comfortable enough with it to discuss it with other people. I do appreciate your offer of support, though. I'm not sure how much info [Hubs] gave [BIL] about things, but reproductively, things ended up being difficult for us from the very start and only got harder the more testing we underwent. I can elaborate further if you'd really like to know the details.

No responses?

Almost 24hrs after sending that email to the SIL, I haven't received any form of acknowledgment that she even received the email or any form of anything. I know she's read it by now as she lives through her iphone and any other email I've sent her has been answered even briefly within the hour. Maybe, as the Hubs suggests, she's just trying to formulate an appropriate response. It is still nerve-wracking for me, none the less. Just having put myself out there like that, just kinda hanging now.

I took another big step yesterday evening in outing my infertile self. I've seen this Time article 3 different times in 3 different places now. Either it is some huge coincidence or I'm suppose to do something about it. So, without giving myself the opportunity to hesitate, I hit the FB like button. Minutes later, this pops up on my profile and into the newsfeed.

*crickets*

No response to that either. I wasn't expecting everyone on FB to come swarming my page, but I was hoping someone would see it and be intrigued or concerned enough about it to send me a message or comment or something! When I posted about my depression (re)diagnosis 2yr ago, and then happened put up a profile picture a week or so later that I thought was artsy, but incidentally also contained the Boy's bbgun, BAM! My page is lit up, my phone is ringing, and people are messaging me asking if I'm ok. I hadn't even put it up there to be angsty or deep. I just wanted to change it and liked the look of that one. The bbgun wasn't even prominently featured!

And yet, here I am "liking" a post about m/c and depression and not one little thing. Is it really that taboo of a subject? Maybe I'm over-reacting (very likely). Maybe, just maybe, it is just too subtle for most people to be able to 2 and 2 together. I'm not sure how, but I guess I'll give it reasonable doubt. I'm not quite ready yet to be more overt in my announcements to the whole world, but I think these baby steps are a good start.

Have any of you posted something publicly that you could have sworn would have tipped people off to things, but inadvertently it seemed to have breezed right over their heads?

The Baby Shower Sitch

So here's just a little update about the SIL's baby shower dealio. Rather than go back-and-forth with myself over what I should do, I sent her an email. It's a bit rough and a little disjointed, I know, because if I gave it too much more thought, I never would have the balls to hit the send button.

I know [Boy] has told [BIL] what's been going on for us lately, and I'm sure he's passed that on to you.

I've received the baby shower invite from the [SIL's friend] the other week. I haven't RSVP'd for it yet, though. I am very conflicted and just wanted to take a moment to let you know why.

I would hate to say I will be there and then unable to feel I can make it come the day of the shower. I also don't want to outright say I won't be there. At this moment, I can't predict how I will feel that day and therefore, don't know how to respond to the invite. The baby showers that I was invited to at the end of last year were a bit uncomfortable and difficult for me then, so I don't know how I will handle one now. I don't want to take away from your joy on that day. All I can promise right now is that I'll try to be there. I hope you will understand.

So here's hoping she does understand that I'll be a bit wishy-washy on that subject. Now... I have to wait and see how she responds...