(Hey! A post 2 weeks in a row!)
Tomorrow is the big day.
MY baby shower.
That just sounds so odd and crazy. Surreal and unreal. But that's what my Goo.gle calendar says and the little invitation on my cluttered "desk" in the kitchen leads me to believe. My mom and dad are on their way down here to spend today and tomorrow with us. According to my previously-PG SIL, 20 people have RSVP'd.
TWENTY. TWO. ZERO.
That seems like a ton of people to me! Sure 10 of them are just our family, but still... I guess people actually like me. That or they just like free food and talking babies. I think it's a coin toss there. We have already received a few gifts by mail for those that are unable to attend due to distance. It's kinda scary how much baby stuff is in our house right now and how much will be here by the end of tomorrow.
So I really want to explore my thoughts and feelings pre-shower and then compare them with post-shower. I feel very strange about it all. I'm a bit more apprehensive than I think most moms-to-be are about it. I hate being the center of attention and having a huge fuss and deal made over me. I don't know how comfortable I'll be talking about my pregnancy and baby plans etc with people. I'm far more relaxed to talk about our infertility than our current success for some odd reason. There's also the fact that practically everyone has advice and recommendations about these last few weeks and beyond. While I appreciate that they are trying to "help", I'm just taking things as they come. We don't so much have a plan as we have "preferences" (thanks to our birth class teach for that term!). Our journey this far has taught me that nothing is predictable, and you really can't plan life. It does what it wants for the most part and you just have to roll with the punches.
Also, I'm worried that lots of people are going to try to be touching my belly at the shower. This totally weirds me out, big time! I love touching my belly. I love the Boy touching it. I'm awkward with our parents touching it. I haven't had anyone else try to touch it, so I don't know how I'll respond. I really don't want to punch someone when/if they try to rub it. I think that would make me a horrible honoree.
The Boy keeps telling me just to think of it as we'll be getting lots of free stuff from people. True, but I feel odd when people give and buy things just for me. I keep trying to think of it more as them doing that for Baby and not me, which helps some. It is still weird for me to think that people are buying stuff and getting all excited for this giant lump in (on?) my abdomen. Plus, it brings me back to the belly-touching phobia.
My ideal shower would be more like a cook-out get-together. People just come over and hang out and talk about anything and everything. There are dudes and chicks, food and drinking and just general good times being had. There would be no "games" and no really decorations. No cutesy and froo-froo items or activities. Just chilling and "Oh yeah, I happen to be pregnant" in the background. While I didn't have my SIL label the shower as co-ed, guy are free to attend if they wanted. Shockingly, none of the male counterparts want to attend! If I had said co-ed, I think some of them may have been guilted into coming by their Sigs. I'm well aware that 99.99% of guys do NOT want to be at baby showers. And I totally understand why. They are the same reasons why I do NOT like being at baby showers! Far too many females talking about babies, being pregnant, getting pregnant, those looks of "Honey, don't you just want (another) one of those?" and "How cute is X, Y, Z!" Those things translates into "Blah blah blah blah blah" and "Warning! Danger! Danger, Will Robinson" to most guys.
Lastly, I think the shower brings up a huge fear, one I'm sure that most women that have battled infertility have. What if we get all this stuff and everyone is all excited and worked up, but there doesn't end up being a baby at the end? What if something happens between now and coming home from the hospital? What do you do with all the baby stuff that has filled your house and life? That and it is starting to make things far too real for me. It seems to no longer be "This is cute for a baby" and "Baby would like that". Things are morphing into "Baby will be using this" and "Baby will be wearing these" and "Baby needs this and that".
Sh!t is gettin' real, yo! We are both starting to get really excited about it all. I'm actually giddy about a few things. Plus, I'm starting to plan and get ahead of myself with things. Things like Maternity leave. We've been putting off most of the post-birth necessities like finding a Pediatrician and figuring out child-care for when I go back to work. Now, we are feeling the crunch to get these things done; the pressure of the limited amount of time until they are going to be needed. All that keeps making that big FEAR pop up in my head more and more.
I'm sure that these feelings are completely normal given everything to date, but it sucks. I'd really just love to be able to let myself get and stay excited. Stupid loss and IF! Well, Here's to the home stretch!!
** I wrote this all up yesterday, but forgot to hit post! Thank you auto-save!