There wasn't anything wrong with the actual day. I wasn't disappointed by the game as I didn't care if the Pats or the Giants won. All in all, it was a really average day.
But the daggers of IF struck again. I've already been dealing with the anniversary of the miscarriage this week. The last thing I wanted was to deal with a pregnancy announcement. But guess what?
My SIL, the one that was previously referred to as PG-SIL and threw the shower for me, is 7 or 8w pregnant. They have their 1st ultrasound for this pregnancy on Valentine's day. They were planning on telling us while we were over to watch the Big Game last night, but I happened to see "Ultrasound" written on their calendar.
I'm happy for them and glad it only took them the 2 treatment cycles of Clomid this time (although I don't think the clomid is specifically needed in their case as she ovulates fine and only seems to need a bit of progesterone support). But I didn't want to find out about it this week! The previous week would have been perfectly OK; next week would have worked, too. I just wanted to cry the rest of the evening.
WTF, Infertility!? It's been a year, and yet, the emotions seem just as strong and raw as they were then. Should they have lessened drastically by now, given time and the fact that I now have a beautiful, little daughter? Why does every pregnancy announcement still hurt? Why do I get angry and resentful when I hear people talk about how easy it was for them or how quickly it happened?
Thanks, Infertility and Loss for embittering me to happy news like this and for not letting me fully move on from it all...
nope, I hear you. When my bestie recently announced to me (ok she did the test at my house) that she was pregnant I was really upset. One time, One month BANG she is pregnant and me and my comrades nope no banana. It upset me because the first thing she said to me was that "I wanted to lose a bit more weight before I got pregnant" I couldn't believe it. She has had YEARS to lose weight but gets pregnant first go and is bitching about a bit of weight (ok I dont think I am over it). At the end of the day infertility never really leaves us. We might have our babies and be pregnant but those years or the diagnosis and the experience will always scar us. I feel myself becoming more like the old me but there is a conservative side that never used to be there a bit of me that is always waiting for the shoe to drop and I have never been like that.
ReplyDeleteGoodness that was a ramble to say yep understand how you feel ;)
Good to know I'm not alone and it's pretty much an IF norm!
DeleteI am with you...does it ever leave us? I am starting to think nope!! I am 11 weeks pregnant and while its early in the grand scheme of time, it's a huge milestone for us and when I hear about someone getting pregnant or talk about their fertile pregnancy, I just want to cry/scream/hide. I don't want to talk to them about it. Why? I thought I'd get pregnant and love talking about it...about mine and others. I WAS WRONG!! I do hope though over time it gets better/easier.
ReplyDeleteYou may get more comfortable talking about it later on. I know I did, but maybe it was b/c people talk to you more about it the more you show and you're kinda compelled to?
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