One year ago today...

April 28th, 2011

I was feeling like complete crap. Headache, nausea, exhaustion. It must have been a bug.

But as I was (am) an infertile, I had to poas. You know, just in - it will never happen, but hey, who really needs an excuse to pee on a hpt - case. I didn't even watch it. When I did look, I saw this:

The faintest of actual lines!

I didn't know then that it was the start of the best year of my life. And somehow that ghost of a line turned into this:

I do think it is quite fitting that I got my "Rainbow Baby" BFP at the close of NIAW. I had decided to participate and posted something IF related on my FB page everyday. It's like Kharma rewarded me for putting myself out there. I didn't know at the time that things would turn out perfect. I was a mess of fear, uncertainty, and a timid little bit of hope.

This year, as NIAW draws to a close, I put myself out there again. I feel amazingly blessed to have had the experiences that started one year ago. I truly wish this joy and love to every single one of you out there reading this, however you may find that joy. While my current happiness doesn't erase all the pain and fear that hovered during our struggle to conceive, I do appreciate it more and wouldn't be who I am today without having gone through the hell of IF. I want everyone of you out there to know that you are amazing and just that much stronger, braver, and awesomer for having to go through it as well. It completely sucks, but makes you value the sunshine a bit more when the clouds break.

**************

ps- I found this earlier this week and had to share it with you all. I know this was true for me (add in anxious as well) and that many of you feel the same.