Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Mixed emotions about it all

It's been a while... It's not that there hasn't been anything going on, but more so that I haven't had the motivation or the foggiest idea what to blog about. I really feel jumbled about life these days.

My feelings about work depend on the day you ask and what co-workers have (or more likely, haven't) done.

I'm experiencing the crazy hormonal mood changes that "every" pregnant woman has very frequently, compared to the handful of times total during Em's pregnancy.

I still haven't wrapped my head around the idea of baby#2, even though the stinker moves practically non-stop, all day long. I fluctuate between being excited for a newborn again to dread of how Em will handle everything and then to fear that maybe this pregnancy was a big mistake and we're not ready for another kid yet. Just a big ol' pendulum of anxiety really.

I'm a bit disappointed about baby's gender. I really thought finding out would make me feel more connected to the being growing inside me, but I actually became a bit more detached. I really thought that since everything was soo different this preg, it was a boy. I could only think of boy names. When the sonographer showed the image on the screen of the "goods", my heart sank a bit. It took about a solid month for me to not be upset that we are having another girl. That I'll never get to experience a son. That the Hubs will never have a son to teach to be a man and will be the only guy in his family not to have a boy. I still mourn for the little boy that will never be in our family. I grieve for the loss of something that will never be. It still gets to me, like now, but overall, I've made some peace with having daughters only.

Time is flying, and things are moving too fast. There is too much to do, not enough time or energy to do it, and far too little funds in the banking account.

The house feels like it is falling apart around us. We need roof work done, had to replace gutters, really could use resurfacing the floors, a super deep clean and organize, not to mention a fresh coat of paint in all the rooms but Em's. The house and the cars are the 2 reasons are bank account is really wounded these days.

That and having to pay out of pocket for the midwife visits that will be reimbursed for by insurance, but only after the birth. Oh, and I'm panicking trying to figure out where in the house I'd want to give birth and if I want a water birth or not, a doula or not, and several other things.

Right now, Em is sick with a mild case of strep throat. I am just getting over a 36hr GI bug I had while we were out of town visiting family. Oh, and turning 31 last week.

Can I just run away from being an adult for a little bit and let things work themselves out?


  1. I can relate to a lot of this!! I have been MIA with blogging as well because life just feels like sooo much lately. Work, money, and also, this pregnancy is flying by. I can't believe our babies will be here so soon!! Eek. I also do not feel ready and am completely okay with time slowing the heck down, which wasn't the case with my first pregnancy. I didn't know you were planning a homebirth.. how exciting!! We are too. That is actually something I am really excited about, except definitely not ready or even close since we only decided in the past month or so. I'm sorry that you have been struggling with finding out about having another girl :( It is tough when you have your heart set one way or the other. I had my own heart set on another girl (which we are having, as you know) but Anthony's heart was set on a boy, which allowed my heart to go either way. I am sure he is still mourning the boy he'll never have, but he doesn't talk about it and does seem gradually more and more excited about another little girl. Hang in there.. with all of this. Even if it seems really overwhelming at times, it will all be okay in the end. Hugs. I am here anytime you want to talk!

  2. Sending support to you. Pregnancy, in and of itself, is hard enough, but when you have all the other grief emotions playing their part too, it just makes it all too overwhelming sometimes.