Trying

I've been trying to work up the motivation to write. Actually, the motivation to do much of anything. Bah.I have the sneaking suspicion I may need to have my meds adjusted to see if that might help. I would call it depression, but it's definitely the Blahs. I'm also sure that it's at least partially due to poor sleep and work issues, primarily PG-co-worker.

After this, I don't think I'm going to invest any more time or effort into her. After several days deliberation and discussion with the Boy and some friends, I decided to have a "clearing of the air" chat with her. After several more days of working up the courage to start it, I waited until we had a semi-private moment and started. I stlarted with how I've distanced myself from her due to her pregnancy, for my own reasons that have nothing to do with her. I overcame that as I feel every mother needs support, especially in the beginning, and since we seem to fall in the same circles, I offered to be a resource for her. Only to get shot down. "I've already had most of my questions answered." Ouch. Then this weekend, I was at our local babywearing group meeting, which she was in attendance with her mom and husband. I came towards the end just to return a carrier, so when we made eye contact I smiled at her. Un-reciprocated. On top of all that, I overheard that she's not likely to return from her maternity leave, which she hasn't informed the boss about. AS she's done nothing by protocol with her pregnancy, I'm sure she's going to wait until the end of her 12w to let the lab know. Since she doesn't think I or the lab are worth her consideration and the effort we've put towards her, I'm done. I just can't take the rejection when I'm putting so much effort and swallowing a lot of feelings to do basic things for her.

Em is 15m now and just crazy. She is still working on those darn molars, but  one of her bottom lateral incisors came in finally. She's pick up an obsession with a pink Easter hat my sister got her. She loves to play and wear it as well as with her dad's hat and my sunglasses. Anything on your head is a "haut" to her. Best thing ever is probably that she's learned "hug" and "kiss." If we ask for a hug or for her to give one to someone or the animals, she gives them a sqeeze, lays her head against them and say "Awwww". Sometimes, she'll include a closed-mouth, almost slobber free kiss too. Melts my heart!

And in not so cute news, the little stinker has been sitting on the potty seat and has even used it a handful of times (all for dirty business). It's weird getting so excited for poop. Takes me back to house-training the dogs and applauding there bathroom habits out in the yard. Fun stuff.

And in non-toddler related news, I have an appt tomorrow afternoon. I scheduled a new consult with our RE to see about getting things set for TTC#2 come this summer/fall. The Boy's been taking the supplements for a couple of months now, so we are hoping that his swimmers are up to par once we actually start back. I'm excited, nervous, petrified, anxious, scared, and happy about this appt. I'm not sure what to expect from him, or if he'll think I'm putting the cart before the horse. My cycles just started back the other week. I haven't had mt Mir.ena removed yet. And Em's still nursing quite a bit. We just dropped the one afternoon session where I was visiting her at daycare. While we both enjoyed the time together, it was disruptive to both our days. It probably had a lot to do with the delay in my cycle returning too.

I'm hoping I might not have to go on the Fem.ara again. Not that it was bad, I'm just nor sure how safe it is for breastfeeding. I don't think we are ready to wean and I don't want to wean Em earlier than she's ready just to try and get pregnant again. That would be too much mommy guilt for me to handle. I would feel so selfish to put my wants over her needs. Especially if I wean her to try and it takes 6m or more, if at all. I guess I'll just have to hear what he thinks.

I'll leave you with some Emma cuteness, because, who doesn't like cute things?