Today was my postpartum visit with the Ob. According to her, I've got the green light to resume life as normal. My stitches have healed and dissolved. No more "lochia" as it is awesomely called. I still have the beautiful linea nigra down my belly and some equally gorgeous stretch marks on one cheek and both upper thighs. Not too shabby, all things considered.
Since everything is looking good down there, I am cleared for return of sexual intercourse with the Hubs. This leads to the BC question. To prevent back to back pregnancies, we need to use protection. It is mind-blowing to think that after all the trying and trying to get pregnant, we are now having to prevent it! I have a hard time wrapping my brain around that one. While it would be unlikely for us to conceive on our own since I'm not taking anything and neither is he, we'd rather be safe (although I'm slightly curious to know what it would be like to have an "oopsie!" pregnancy).
We've discussed the next addition to the clan is going to be a few years away, at least 2 if not 3. We worked so hard for this munchkin, we'd like to enjoy her as much as we can! As such, I've decided to have an IUD put back in. There is no way I'm going on any of the Pills or rings or shots. The IUD has been the only contraceptive that hasn't given me huge side effects. Sure, there is also the barrier method, but come on, nothing kills the mood like having to pause to "shimmy on a jimmy." There isn't enough mood these days for any to be killed. So, IUD it is.
In other news, I'll be going back to work March 5th. I'm both glad and sad about it. I'll be happy to have some delineation between days back in my life, but I'm not looking forward to leaving my little girl to be cared for my strangers at daycare nor to working 50hrs/wk and the hassle of some of my co-workers. I wish I could work from home, but there isn't much in my job description that I can do outside the lab. Finances are not such that either of us can stay at home, even though day care is going to be a huge, HUGE hit to our bank account each month.
Well, at least it will be once we get her enrolled somewhere. Thank you IF for making me scared and paranoid to do an enrollment/wait-listing while pregnant. I had to make sure that I actually had a baby and was able to take it home and keep it before I considered or thought of worrying about daycare! That really has bit me in the rear. Hopefully, the center that is our main choice should be having a few spots in their infants program shortly. Just waiting on a few of the moms to have their next baby, which is any day now for 2 of them. Otherwise, we'll have to fall back to our Plan B and see about having her go to the daycare that the (PG again) SIL's mom runs in her house. We'll just have to see how this next week goes... Hopefully better than this last one has...
Friday, February 24, 2012
Monday, February 20, 2012
The Cruelty of Infertility
I just read 2 posts that just completely broke my heart (1 by Courtney @ Bodega Bliss and 1 by Elphie @ Alice in Diaperland, formerly Yolk).
Mo of Mommy Odyssey had her water break at 22w. She is being monitored in the hope that it will replenish, otherwise her little boy is likely not ot make it.
She has gone through so much to get a viable pregnancy and even with her current. How can life be so cruel as to have someone go through RPL, loss of a tube, and everything else she's had to endure, then give her so much hope and joy only to rip it from her?
I don't even know what else to say... Please, go and give her some love and support as her, Shmerson and their little Shmaby deal with this unfortunate turn of events. And if you happen to be one of the lucky ones, like I am, hold your child close and appreciate them for the miracles they are.
Mo of Mommy Odyssey had her water break at 22w. She is being monitored in the hope that it will replenish, otherwise her little boy is likely not ot make it.
She has gone through so much to get a viable pregnancy and even with her current. How can life be so cruel as to have someone go through RPL, loss of a tube, and everything else she's had to endure, then give her so much hope and joy only to rip it from her?
I don't even know what else to say... Please, go and give her some love and support as her, Shmerson and their little Shmaby deal with this unfortunate turn of events. And if you happen to be one of the lucky ones, like I am, hold your child close and appreciate them for the miracles they are.
Monday, February 13, 2012
1 Month
I just can't seem to do things "On Time" these days... Here's where things stand at 1 month(ish) of Emma.
Emma had her 1m Well Baby appt on the 9th. She got her 2nd Hep B shot (only cried for a min or two) and is up to 8lbs 2oz and grew 1 inch! She's too long now for about 80% of her Newborn (NB) clothing. We've given some of them to my fertile friend whose little girl is 12d younger than Em. Some of them, I just can't seem to part with... So she's growing well and is over all a healthy baby!
I'm doing well for the most part. I have my postpartum checkup coming up. Not entirely sure exactly when as I have to try and reschedule it as I just haven't been able to master being in 2 places at once, yet. It's easier to get in with the OB than to find a new time and day that work with the dentist/hygienist. I think I've healed back up well and all, but we'll see. I'm also thinking of getting an IUD placed again as birth control as it is going to be quite a while before we discuss siblings.
I'm not going to lie, there are some aspects of life that aren't going so well. I would love to be getting more sleep, but the lack there of is expected. It doesn't make the sleep deprivation easier, but I've been told that it should start improving as Em will be sleeping longer at night soon. We'll see about that... While she's a good baby most days, there are days that completely make up for her good behavior. Days where she's cranky, fussy, gassy, spit-uppy, and just wants to cry and holler, or eat constantly, or be held but squirm the whole time and needs to be in constant motion. Those are very. hard. days. Very. Those days, I just want to cry right alongside her and often times I do. While the hubs does help out from time to time, often all she wants is me- either for comfort nursing or just because I'm more familiar (I'm assuming). I feel a bit guilty, but those days, I really miss being pregnant. I miss having an inside baby a lot of the time as it is. I truly enjoyed being pregnant, and even though there were so many mental and emotional difficulties (Thank you, IF!), it was definitely easier than being a mom!
Honestly, there is not one thing about being a parent that is easy. Not one. I'm not saying it's not enjoyable. It definitely is, but it's incredibly hard! It also makes every other part of your life even harder, too. Financially, things are tighter (hello, daycare!- which in itself has been another problem and ordeal of its own). I feel like I barely have time for myself, let alone the Boy. I'm dreading going back to work in 2.5 weeks. I know things are only going to be more difficult then. If I wasn't so exhausted, I would probably be more ashamed of the state of my house than I am right now, not to mention my personal hygiene. And then there is the guilt of feeling this way knowing there are so many couples that would give everything to be right where I am. I was one of them not too long ago.
I love my daughter with all that my being. Her birth was one of the most incredible days of my life. However, looking back, getting pregnant now seems like the easy part. But I wouldn't trade any of the fear, frustration or worries of parenthood.
Emma had her 1m Well Baby appt on the 9th. She got her 2nd Hep B shot (only cried for a min or two) and is up to 8lbs 2oz and grew 1 inch! She's too long now for about 80% of her Newborn (NB) clothing. We've given some of them to my fertile friend whose little girl is 12d younger than Em. Some of them, I just can't seem to part with... So she's growing well and is over all a healthy baby!
I'm doing well for the most part. I have my postpartum checkup coming up. Not entirely sure exactly when as I have to try and reschedule it as I just haven't been able to master being in 2 places at once, yet. It's easier to get in with the OB than to find a new time and day that work with the dentist/hygienist. I think I've healed back up well and all, but we'll see. I'm also thinking of getting an IUD placed again as birth control as it is going to be quite a while before we discuss siblings.
I'm not going to lie, there are some aspects of life that aren't going so well. I would love to be getting more sleep, but the lack there of is expected. It doesn't make the sleep deprivation easier, but I've been told that it should start improving as Em will be sleeping longer at night soon. We'll see about that... While she's a good baby most days, there are days that completely make up for her good behavior. Days where she's cranky, fussy, gassy, spit-uppy, and just wants to cry and holler, or eat constantly, or be held but squirm the whole time and needs to be in constant motion. Those are very. hard. days. Very. Those days, I just want to cry right alongside her and often times I do. While the hubs does help out from time to time, often all she wants is me- either for comfort nursing or just because I'm more familiar (I'm assuming). I feel a bit guilty, but those days, I really miss being pregnant. I miss having an inside baby a lot of the time as it is. I truly enjoyed being pregnant, and even though there were so many mental and emotional difficulties (Thank you, IF!), it was definitely easier than being a mom!
Honestly, there is not one thing about being a parent that is easy. Not one. I'm not saying it's not enjoyable. It definitely is, but it's incredibly hard! It also makes every other part of your life even harder, too. Financially, things are tighter (hello, daycare!- which in itself has been another problem and ordeal of its own). I feel like I barely have time for myself, let alone the Boy. I'm dreading going back to work in 2.5 weeks. I know things are only going to be more difficult then. If I wasn't so exhausted, I would probably be more ashamed of the state of my house than I am right now, not to mention my personal hygiene. And then there is the guilt of feeling this way knowing there are so many couples that would give everything to be right where I am. I was one of them not too long ago.
I love my daughter with all that my being. Her birth was one of the most incredible days of my life. However, looking back, getting pregnant now seems like the easy part. But I wouldn't trade any of the fear, frustration or worries of parenthood.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Another less than Super Sunday
There wasn't anything wrong with the actual day. I wasn't disappointed by the game as I didn't care if the Pats or the Giants won. All in all, it was a really average day.
But the daggers of IF struck again. I've already been dealing with the anniversary of the miscarriage this week. The last thing I wanted was to deal with a pregnancy announcement. But guess what?
My SIL, the one that was previously referred to as PG-SIL and threw the shower for me, is 7 or 8w pregnant. They have their 1st ultrasound for this pregnancy on Valentine's day. They were planning on telling us while we were over to watch the Big Game last night, but I happened to see "Ultrasound" written on their calendar.
I'm happy for them and glad it only took them the 2 treatment cycles of Clomid this time (although I don't think the clomid is specifically needed in their case as she ovulates fine and only seems to need a bit of progesterone support). But I didn't want to find out about it this week! The previous week would have been perfectly OK; next week would have worked, too. I just wanted to cry the rest of the evening.
WTF, Infertility!? It's been a year, and yet, the emotions seem just as strong and raw as they were then. Should they have lessened drastically by now, given time and the fact that I now have a beautiful, little daughter? Why does every pregnancy announcement still hurt? Why do I get angry and resentful when I hear people talk about how easy it was for them or how quickly it happened?
Thanks, Infertility and Loss for embittering me to happy news like this and for not letting me fully move on from it all...
But the daggers of IF struck again. I've already been dealing with the anniversary of the miscarriage this week. The last thing I wanted was to deal with a pregnancy announcement. But guess what?
My SIL, the one that was previously referred to as PG-SIL and threw the shower for me, is 7 or 8w pregnant. They have their 1st ultrasound for this pregnancy on Valentine's day. They were planning on telling us while we were over to watch the Big Game last night, but I happened to see "Ultrasound" written on their calendar.
I'm happy for them and glad it only took them the 2 treatment cycles of Clomid this time (although I don't think the clomid is specifically needed in their case as she ovulates fine and only seems to need a bit of progesterone support). But I didn't want to find out about it this week! The previous week would have been perfectly OK; next week would have worked, too. I just wanted to cry the rest of the evening.
WTF, Infertility!? It's been a year, and yet, the emotions seem just as strong and raw as they were then. Should they have lessened drastically by now, given time and the fact that I now have a beautiful, little daughter? Why does every pregnancy announcement still hurt? Why do I get angry and resentful when I hear people talk about how easy it was for them or how quickly it happened?
Thanks, Infertility and Loss for embittering me to happy news like this and for not letting me fully move on from it all...
Saturday, February 4, 2012
This time last year...
This time last year was so starkly different from this time this year.
This time last year, I was miscarrying my 1st ever and highly improbable pregnancy. My heart was heavy and hurting, but I was coming to terms with it and starting the healing process. I didn't know if it was possible for us to conceive again. I was feeling a bit worn down with the whole TTC ordeal. Almost thinking that it was pointless and if all the trouble and disappointment was even worth it.
This year, I know it all was worth it and then some. While I haven't forgotten the loss and heartache of last year, having Emma here this year makes it easier to bear. I now know that all the medications, appts, negative pregnancy tests, and everything has paid off, in spades. This year, I am not living in my pj's, swollen and puffy eyes, and dulling the pain with alcohol. This year, I'm living in my pj's, dark circles under my eyes, and joy in my heart. And today, while writing this post up, I was treated to the wonder of Emma's 1st intentional smile at me. In that instance, all the grief and hardship of TTC and loss melted away (at least for a while).
This year, I'm happy.
This time last year, I was miscarrying my 1st ever and highly improbable pregnancy. My heart was heavy and hurting, but I was coming to terms with it and starting the healing process. I didn't know if it was possible for us to conceive again. I was feeling a bit worn down with the whole TTC ordeal. Almost thinking that it was pointless and if all the trouble and disappointment was even worth it.
This year, I know it all was worth it and then some. While I haven't forgotten the loss and heartache of last year, having Emma here this year makes it easier to bear. I now know that all the medications, appts, negative pregnancy tests, and everything has paid off, in spades. This year, I am not living in my pj's, swollen and puffy eyes, and dulling the pain with alcohol. This year, I'm living in my pj's, dark circles under my eyes, and joy in my heart. And today, while writing this post up, I was treated to the wonder of Emma's 1st intentional smile at me. In that instance, all the grief and hardship of TTC and loss melted away (at least for a while).
This year, I'm happy.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
3 Week In
The 3 of us have been home for 3 weeks now. I'm not sure if it feels like it's been shorter, longer, or right on for the length of time. It really depends on when I'm asked. Regardless, it's been something else...
It's not completely fluffy sunshine and shiny roses, but I'm happy with it all. I'm pretty happy with Emma's sleeping/eating pattern. It's pretty much every 2-2.5hr that she wants to eat, and she sleeps for a good chunk of that time. It's about the same at night except those 2-3hrs are 90% sleeping and half sleeping/eating. Of course, that just the "average" and there can be a good amount of variety depending on the day.
We're cloth diapering, and I have to say that I quite like it. We used disposables while we were still in teh hospital and the other weekend when we were visiting the in-laws. While they fit in the newborn clothes better, Emma wanted to be changed more frequently, which is the opposite of what I've been lead to believe. The cloth diapers don't seem to bother her, and even with a bit longer between changes, we've had no signs of rash or irritation at all. Besides, the diapers and diaper covers for cloth are A-freaking-DORABLE!!
Right now we are primarily using newborn sized pre-folds and covers, I'm excited to start using more of the all-in-ones and pocket diapers. Emma is just a bit to tiny in the waist for most of them at the moment.
Speaking of her size, that little miss can grow! She was 6lbs 13oz at birth, 6lbs 9oz before we left the hospital, 6lbs 14oz at her 1st pediatrician appt, and 7lbs 4oz at the next one the following week. I'm not sure exactly how much she weighs right now, but she's getting too long for quite a number of her sleepers. My newborn isn't going to be a tiny little newborn for too much longer...
I'll try and keep up some semi-regular posting. I just can't even seem to keep up with what day it is lately, so it might be a total flop. But here's to trying!!
It's not completely fluffy sunshine and shiny roses, but I'm happy with it all. I'm pretty happy with Emma's sleeping/eating pattern. It's pretty much every 2-2.5hr that she wants to eat, and she sleeps for a good chunk of that time. It's about the same at night except those 2-3hrs are 90% sleeping and half sleeping/eating. Of course, that just the "average" and there can be a good amount of variety depending on the day.
We're cloth diapering, and I have to say that I quite like it. We used disposables while we were still in teh hospital and the other weekend when we were visiting the in-laws. While they fit in the newborn clothes better, Emma wanted to be changed more frequently, which is the opposite of what I've been lead to believe. The cloth diapers don't seem to bother her, and even with a bit longer between changes, we've had no signs of rash or irritation at all. Besides, the diapers and diaper covers for cloth are A-freaking-DORABLE!!
Right now we are primarily using newborn sized pre-folds and covers, I'm excited to start using more of the all-in-ones and pocket diapers. Emma is just a bit to tiny in the waist for most of them at the moment.
Speaking of her size, that little miss can grow! She was 6lbs 13oz at birth, 6lbs 9oz before we left the hospital, 6lbs 14oz at her 1st pediatrician appt, and 7lbs 4oz at the next one the following week. I'm not sure exactly how much she weighs right now, but she's getting too long for quite a number of her sleepers. My newborn isn't going to be a tiny little newborn for too much longer...
I'll try and keep up some semi-regular posting. I just can't even seem to keep up with what day it is lately, so it might be a total flop. But here's to trying!!
Thursday, January 19, 2012
My 1yr Blog-iversary
Wow.
I am 2 days late to my own 1 yr celebration (?) of my blog. What a slacker! I guess that's bound to happen when you live your life in 2hr blocks- the days all blur together!
If you had told me when I started this blog a year ago, that I'd be typing my 1st blog-iversary with my very own baby in my lap, I probably would have laughed in your face. Or maybe cried because that couldn't be true. I'm not sure which. And yet, that is exactly where I am. Crazy.
A lot more has changed in the past year than just my parental status. While not all good things, they all played a part in where and who I am today. Here are a few of the highlights:
- The Boy and I have grown closer than we were ever before. Stronger as a couple and more in love with one another. One of the few things I can be thankful for infertility.
- The miscarriage. Definitely a low point, but it opened my eyes to so much and was truly an experience that I came though the other side stronger, more compassionate and far more appreciative than I was.
- I learned to just let things happen. Take things day by day. Not plan and structure everything. While it didn't apply to my whole life, for the 1 or 2 aspects that it did cover, I was able to really enjoy the little things.
- Not sure if it''s been because of the hormones in the fertility meds and pregnancy, but my depression and anxiety are under the best control they've been for ages!
- I've become comfortable enough with our struggle to become parents that I talk with practically anyone about it, just with less details unless it's someone closer. I want people to know that we had to fight to get where we are, and maybe, it might help someone that is going through IF to know they aren't alone and it is something that can be talked about.
- I discovered a place with more support and understanding than I could have imagined. The ALI community may be full of such sad stories and hard choices, the women (and men) that make it up are incredibly strong, courageous, and caring.
Happy 1st birthday, Two's company. Three's a family! I'm beyond happy that I worked up the courage last January to write and publish those 1st posts. I hope you all have at least enjoyed some of my posts and thoughts and possibly found something to help make the journey a little bit easier, if only for a few moments.
Thanks for reading!
I am 2 days late to my own 1 yr celebration (?) of my blog. What a slacker! I guess that's bound to happen when you live your life in 2hr blocks- the days all blur together!
If you had told me when I started this blog a year ago, that I'd be typing my 1st blog-iversary with my very own baby in my lap, I probably would have laughed in your face. Or maybe cried because that couldn't be true. I'm not sure which. And yet, that is exactly where I am. Crazy.
A lot more has changed in the past year than just my parental status. While not all good things, they all played a part in where and who I am today. Here are a few of the highlights:
- The Boy and I have grown closer than we were ever before. Stronger as a couple and more in love with one another. One of the few things I can be thankful for infertility.
- The miscarriage. Definitely a low point, but it opened my eyes to so much and was truly an experience that I came though the other side stronger, more compassionate and far more appreciative than I was.
- I learned to just let things happen. Take things day by day. Not plan and structure everything. While it didn't apply to my whole life, for the 1 or 2 aspects that it did cover, I was able to really enjoy the little things.
- Not sure if it''s been because of the hormones in the fertility meds and pregnancy, but my depression and anxiety are under the best control they've been for ages!
- I've become comfortable enough with our struggle to become parents that I talk with practically anyone about it, just with less details unless it's someone closer. I want people to know that we had to fight to get where we are, and maybe, it might help someone that is going through IF to know they aren't alone and it is something that can be talked about.
- I discovered a place with more support and understanding than I could have imagined. The ALI community may be full of such sad stories and hard choices, the women (and men) that make it up are incredibly strong, courageous, and caring.
Happy 1st birthday, Two's company. Three's a family! I'm beyond happy that I worked up the courage last January to write and publish those 1st posts. I hope you all have at least enjoyed some of my posts and thoughts and possibly found something to help make the journey a little bit easier, if only for a few moments.
Thanks for reading!
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