Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Into the Unkown

Today marks the start of a whole new set of experiences for me.

At this point last time, it was the start of the end. Negative beta. Bleeding. 5wks was the end.

Tomorrow is unfamiliar territory. 5w1d. Something's been burrowed in for the last 2.5wks now. It is just too surreal and feels completely UNreal.

I've been debating of getting a walk-in beta draw this week at the RE's office. Just something to tide me over and give me reassurance until next Tuesday. But to be honest, my blood levels aren't going to tell me anything my body already hasn't. Increasing levels with great doubling rates, don't guarantee a baby developing or a heartbeat.

To appease myself, I took the last digital I had. The last hpt in the whole house. Last time, the word I expected to appear did, but so did the word I had hoped wouldn't. This time, the 2nd digi said just that one lovely word. It didn't take it long to make its decision either. And in my neurosis, I busted that test apart after to see what the lines looked like. Complete desperation. There was thankfully only the faintest of control lines.

The great line, the reassuring physical symptoms, the erratic appetite, and urgency of urination. I wish I could say these all make me feel happy and optimistic each day. Sadly, while I do take comfort in them, they don't completely ease my fears that this may meet the same unfortunate end as the previous.

Maybe it could be a blighted ovum. Maybe the baby stopped developing. I'm so fearful that there isn't a baby anymore but my body is carrying on like everything is honky-dory regardless.

The Boy is starting to think of plans and scheduling to tell the parents and things to do around the house before the baby arrives.

I'm counting down the hours until next Tuesday at 8:30a.

6 days, 11 hours, 21 minutes.


  1. Whenever someone has experienced loss these feelings are normal. It definitely takes the fun and pure excitement out of the news :( Things will be great :)

  2. I pray that everything goes the way the BEST scenerio would!

    I'm your newest follower. I look forward to reading your journey from here!


  3. Good Luck. I'm following your progress with hope.

  4. It looks like we are waiting together :) My ultrasound is next Wednesday at 3:30. Hopefully we both get great news!

  5. You should get sucked into a book series or something. The waiting is so awful! Try not to think about it. (Impossible I know).

  6. I'm right there with you. Even though I've never experienced a loss, I've never experienced a positive HPT until this cycle...so I am like a fish out of water. Totally unprepared and waiting for each new "milestone" before I even get past the one I'm at. I hope your wait goes really quickly. I'm sending you all of the positive thoughts and well wishes I have the energy to muster up.

  7. I really really hope these next few days pass quickly for you (as quickly as they can, because we all know it's pretty much impossible) I can't wait for you to get some reassurance so you can start to really enjoy this. IF isn't fair..when we finally get what we want, it comes with so much doubt and fear because we've either experienced, or heard of the worst case scenario.

    Thinking of you!

  8. Hang in there- we are all rooting for you. Try to keep those positive vibes at the forefront!

  9. Thinking of you - this time in super-early pregnancy is so very scary, especially if you've had your history. I have no words of advice, just make it to Tuesday... Sending you good and positive thoughts!!!