Into the Unkown

Today marks the start of a whole new set of experiences for me.

At this point last time, it was the start of the end. Negative beta. Bleeding. 5wks was the end.

Tomorrow is unfamiliar territory. 5w1d. Something's been burrowed in for the last 2.5wks now. It is just too surreal and feels completely UNreal.

I've been debating of getting a walk-in beta draw this week at the RE's office. Just something to tide me over and give me reassurance until next Tuesday. But to be honest, my blood levels aren't going to tell me anything my body already hasn't. Increasing levels with great doubling rates, don't guarantee a baby developing or a heartbeat.

To appease myself, I took the last digital I had. The last hpt in the whole house. Last time, the word I expected to appear did, but so did the word I had hoped wouldn't. This time, the 2nd digi said just that one lovely word. It didn't take it long to make its decision either. And in my neurosis, I busted that test apart after to see what the lines looked like. Complete desperation. There was thankfully only the faintest of control lines.

The great line, the reassuring physical symptoms, the erratic appetite, and urgency of urination. I wish I could say these all make me feel happy and optimistic each day. Sadly, while I do take comfort in them, they don't completely ease my fears that this may meet the same unfortunate end as the previous.

Maybe it could be a blighted ovum. Maybe the baby stopped developing. I'm so fearful that there isn't a baby anymore but my body is carrying on like everything is honky-dory regardless.

The Boy is starting to think of plans and scheduling to tell the parents and things to do around the house before the baby arrives.

I'm counting down the hours until next Tuesday at 8:30a.

6 days, 11 hours, 21 minutes.