Pendulous

I first want to thank all of you for your kind words of hope and encouragement! I've been going back and reading them again and again any time I've been feeling a bit melancholy or pessimistic. Right now, ya'll are the only people that know other than the Boy and the PG friend that had a m/c and shares my 1st due date. It is the best feeling to know that there are so many people that I can turn to right now that understand practically everything I'm experiencing right now and have either advice or sweet words to offer. Thank you, thank you, thank you from the absolute bottom of my heart!


Life is a bit like a pendulum right now. Swinging from one thing to another, back and forth. I go from thinking everything will work out just fine this time to waiting for it all to end in the blink of an eye. Some days, I can't help but marvel at the changes that are/could be occurring within me right then and there. Other days, I still feel the immense distrust and frustration at my body. I don't know if it is actually doing its job this time or if it is just keeping the rouse up so I don't beat it again.

I want to make plans and think of the future with the zeal that the Boy is starting to experience and wants to share. We are thinking of telling just the parents at some point shortly after the u/s on Tuesday, if all is well. By we, I mean him. I really would feel much better waiting until after the 2nd u/s at ~8wks or even after the 1st trimester. I don't think that is fair to our parents though.

There are instances this week where I've realized that I've been daydreaming of what the u/s would be like. Keep in mind that my only experience with u/s have been to place my IUD and to scan for follicles. In my head, I'm seeing us going in, my husband holding my hand. We see and hear (not too likely at 6wks, I know) the heartbeat and see the baby moving around. The Drs and nurses are super happy for us. We hold each other crying tears of joy and disbelief. Unfortunately, there have been an equal number of times that I've had day-mares that we go for the u/s and there's absolutely nothing there or the start of a baby that stopped.

I also find myself willing and wishing time away for Tuesday to arrive ASAP. And at the same time, I'm strangely enjoying the time that I can at least pretend to naively hope and think that things are perfect and there is a fantastic, happy, healthy baby (or 2) in there, swimming around. Those moments are fleeting, but are probably some of the happiest times I've had in quite a while, in all honest.

For now, I'm ok with being 50/50 and straddling the fence on the turn out. There is nothing I can do to sway things one way or the other, so there is little use in fretting over it all so much. I'm doing my best to find the joy and peace in each and every one of my symptoms and pregnancy "discomforts" as I have them. I'm happy to feel like a goat or cow and constantly nibbling on things or having 2nd helpings as I always feel hungry. I get a sick sense of pleasure in the onset or heightening of the nausea at the back of my throat. I even smile when I use the bathroom, now twice as often as I use to, and see the CM that falls into the toilet and collects in my underwear. When I can't sleep at night after dreaming of a nap all day, I lay there and listen to my own heartbeat and imagine what could be growing and how it is developing there in my abdomen. I don't mind the soreness in my backside and hips thanks to the 25G, 1.5" needles I have to use each night. Each time I feel the ache, it reminds me what it is all for and seems a measly price to pay for the reward.

I promise to do everything in my powers to continue to feel so blessed with all the "undesirable" things that come with pregnancy. If I even seem to be complaining about any sort of physical discomfort or inconvenience, I absolutely want one of you ladies to smack me around and bring me back to my senses. I completely recognize how amazing ans special a gift I have been given here.

And more than anything, I wish there was something, anything I could do to give that same gift to each and every one of you ladies that have had to go through IF.