Saturday, January 29, 2011

Guess this is a Pregnancy blog now?

When I started this blog, I would have sworn I'd be writing for months and months and months about our struggles and disappointment in trying to get pregnant. It never once crossed my mind that in a few short weeks, I'd be posting about my + tests, nor symptoms or any of that. I had thought this would be an Infertility blog for a long, long time. Yet, here I am, 4w3d pregnant (really only 16d post-conception).

One could say that my battle with infertility are over, and could very well be right. However, I'm not sure I will ever feel carefree about my pregnancy. I am so very aware that any day now we could be thrust back into the world of BBT, CM, supplements, medications and tests. The Boy is still taking his Male fertility and motility vitamins, and I still have my prescription bottles around. I don't want to take the chance that (knock on wood) something happens to this little embryo I'm housing and we are left up the creek and without our paddles.

I'm trying my hardest not to worry about every twinge and if this or that is a good sign or a bad sign or completely unrelated. That is probably difficult for any woman who just realized that they are going to be a mom for the 1st time. I, unfortunately, know too many women that reached this point, went over the moon, and then came crashing down to Earth as they miscarried. Maybe I'm over-analyzing everything and worrying too much, just like I always do. However, I'd rather do so, preparing myself for the worst, and be surprised when the best happens.

I'm content at the moment to just hang out here in the middle stratosphere on Cloud Nine. I'm staying aware of all that my body does and frantically googling anything that seems to be abnormal according the books, sites, and everything else I've read. I'm going to keep peeing on preg tests to see that line or the word "pregnant" pop up (shhhh... I took a digital last night), probably even after I get my levels back from the blood work on Monday. Until there is a heartbeat, movement, something that can clue me in that every thing is A-OK in Fetus Land, I'm going to keep worrying. Because until this small, poppyseed-sized baby inside me is born, I'm still fighting to be fertile.

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