Monday, January 17, 2011

My Priorities- The Newest, Most Exclusive club

Work? Sorry. Cleaning? No way, back of the line. Bills? Maybe. Pups and kitties? Alright. Hubby? Head back to the Champagne room! Anything else that isn't involved in baby making, go home!

That is pretty much how things have been working in my head lately. The only things I'm putting any real energy into are TTC, the pets, my husband, and TTC. Yes, I intentionally repeated it. Where I use to peruse the internet for interesting things and entertaining sites, I now fill with TTC and fertility forums, temperature charts, fertility supplements, and the usual obsessive email checking.

The only things that easily come to mind and I remember have to deal with my meds, my cycle day, and various fertility signs. My house is a mess, my fridge and pantry are getting bare. I'm starting to view my job as a "in at 9, out by 6" deal when it is really a "in around 9, out when things get done". I don't start things if I know they'll keep me there too late, and I don't feel the drive to get everything done ASAP like I use too. My overachieving in all areas of my life has gone lax. The only thing I really want to achieve right now is getting pregnant.

I feel horrible admitting this. It makes me feel like a bad employee, a bad home-maker, and sometimes a bad wife and pet owner. At times though, I just don't care. I do worry about paying the bills late (which I have been doing more frequently lately), but as they are only a day or 2 late, I'm not mortified. Sure, we don't need to be paying the late fees, but they just slip my mind! I forget to pull something out for dinner; we can scrounge something up or heat up a pizza or pop in a meal-in-a-box. I either don't invite people over or do a quicky clean/hide the crap before they arrive to save myself the embarrassment of the current state of the house.

Almost all I can think about lately is a baby. Our baby. How everyone else is having babies, getting pregnant, or already has 1 or 2 or 3. Friends and family that got knocked up on accident. Oops! Women that got preggo before I could even toast an Eggo. They are all around me. Rubbing my face in their fertility. I'm not spiteful about it, just envious. I want to be one of them. I want a baby bump and prenatal appts and ultrasounds. I want the stress of pregnancy symptoms planning a nursery, and worrying about labor and if I'll be a good mom.

I want to re-prioritize my life so it doesn't feel like everything not baby-related is suffering. Maybe it's just a phase I'm stuck in at this moment? Maybe I'll snap out of it when the weather warms and I can actually be outside for more than 10min without loosing feeling in my extremities? Maybe all I really need the possibility of maybe a baby?

1 comment:

  1. I think what you are experiencing is completely normal. At times I joke that my house could be on an episode of "Hoarders." In reality, it's not that bad, but it is hard for me (and every other woman going through infertility that I know) to not become consumed by TTC and to let the seemingly insignificant stuff, that used to be soooo significant, fall by the wayside.