No one tells you that you'll lose your mind when TTC

So I think I'm officially crazy. Well, at least my body is. Late Monday morning I started bleeding, I assumed this was my period so I acted as such. When I changed it in the afternoon, I was surprised at how little blood was on it, but used another one. Nothing on it that night; nothing on the next one come morning. WTH, body?

On top of that, yesterday I started having the waves of a headache w/ a bit of dizziness and would feel quite flushed. This is the part were I think I might have gone off the deep end as well. I noticed that I would feel hungry, but eating didn't help. Drinking water didn't help. And the kicker was the catch at the back of my throat, the pressure and sensation that I have when I know that I'm about to revisit a meal. But the reunion of lunch never happened. My mind starts racing! Would it, could it even be possible that the gush on Monday was just implantation bleeding?! Could I actually, possibly, even remotely finally be pregnant?!?

I hym and haw between just waiting it out and calling the RE. I call and leave a message on the nurses line that I know probably sounds like I'm a nut job. "Um hi. I'm 12d post Ov. I had bleeding yesterday that I thought was my period, but none since. What is the earliest that I may have some hCG in my system after implantation that would show up on a blood test or a home test? Thanks, bye." The whole time my voice was trembling. Hearing that message, you'd never know that I've researched the living daylights out of fertility and pregnancy and already new all about the hormones of it all! I was just as dumb sounding when the nurse called back. Stuttering over my words, couldn't even remember the date that I ovulated or able to do the math well to figure it out. The 25th is 12dpo, so.... 25 - 12, no that isn't 16; that was the cycle day I O'd. Doh. The 13th!

In the end, I have an appt on Friday morning to have my 1st beta done. The 1st test in about 6mo now that I think might actually come up positive. I feel like a nervous wreck. My anxiety is bouncing off the walls. What if I am not? What if I AM? I won't even bother to take a home pee test until at least Thursday at the absolute earliest. It seems my test anxiety that I had in elementary and middle school has resurfaced. Except this time, it's not so much about my performance as it is the results. I think that is the real reason that I won't pee on that stick just yet. I'm just a ball of excitement, of anxiety, or dread and hope, joy and fear. I have no idea how I'm going to even remote appear sane let alone keep any scrap of my sanity until Friday when I hear the results.

I'm not overly religious. I'm not sure what I believe. But right now, what ever higher power there may be, please, please, please, 1000 times please. Let this test, this life changing test, let it come out with a +.