TTC Limbo

CD26 and 10d post Ov. I feel like I'm in limbo. I have no symptoms to lead me to think that either a + preg test or my period is in my near future. Nothing. This could be a good thing. It could equally be driving me nuts! I hate the waiting, the not knowing, the flip-flopping between hope and defeat. I would probably feel better if I was having signs that my monthly visitor was about to come calling. Anything is better than the uncertainty. Especially if you are as much of a Type A planner with anxiety issues like myself.

I have pretty much resigned myself to continuing on this long, winding road that is trying to conceive (TTC) on into next month, and most likely the following several months as well. I am under no illusions that my TTC journey is coming to a close anytime soon. This is my 8th cycle off the IUD. 7th month. I'm already thinking ahead about what we may do when we reach that 12m mark. Do we keep investing in the meds and vitamins and supplements? The follow-up appointments with the RE? Should we just come to terms that maybe conception is out of our reach and call it quits for now? Maybe start saving up for IVF (yikes!).

At 10dpo, most TTC women are just chomping at the bit to pee on a preg test. I had 1 internet cheapy test left. This little sliver of a stick that I have to dip into to "collected urine". Eh, I hadn't peed all day really, so why not. I wasn't expecting anything on it so I sorta waited for the majority of the dye to pass over the testing/control field. Negative. Oh well, no surprise and into the trash with the last test in the house. Sure, I had hoped that a 2nd line might have snuck in there and blown my mind, but I didn't expecting and wasn't really entertaining it as an actual possibility.

With each passing cycle, I feel like I'm getting more and more jaded and cynical about our chances. When my period comes in the next few days (see, right there. When not If.), I'm thinking that I might not even temp for the small window of O confirmation that I had this time around. I'm not sure if even want to take the Letrozole meds or continue the progesterone supps. I'm just so tired of it all. My life is being controlled by CDs and meds it seems. I long for the days that back when TTC was new and exciting. Every day held the possibility of being pregnant. Where I had hope that even though each test I took was negative, that maybe tomorrows would have that line. Where I thought that maybe I'd be one of those women that still had their periods while pregnant, validating taking another test after my period. You know, just in case.

But those days are long gone. That twinkle of optimism has long been extinguished; only sparking back up for a few days around ovulation and fizzling back out under the weight of the dreaded 2 wk wait. And some days, like today, I have to question myself and really think hard about it all. Is all this money, hormone manipulation, the ups and downs, the boxes of tampons and pads and pregnancy tests; is it all worth it? Last summer, I wouldn't have had any hesitation in screaming out a resounding YES. Now? All I can muster up is a "It will be if we ever get to hold a child of our own." I can say that my moods have become much more stable since removing any and all forms of birth control from my system. Well, with the exception of that lovely time of the month where my emotions are just as out of whack as my hormones.