Thursday, January 27, 2011

Is a line a line, truly a line?

Warning: This post may contain incoherent ramblings.

I slept like crud last night. Between the anxiety and the physical discomfort I was feeling, I was awake about as much as I was asleep. My joints are achy and  my boobs were very uncomfortable when laying on my sides. Laying on my back or stomach was out of the question as that made the queasy/nauseous feeling worse. Come 6:30am, I couldn't stay asleep.

I had been debating testing since Tuesday. Was that bleeding on Monday possibly implantation? Were these "symptoms" I was having real or just all in my head and I was just hoping they were real? Yesterday, the queasy feeling at the back of my throat was still there as was the dizziness/headache. I had a bit more bleeding, and could swear I was minutes away from starting thanks to the bubbly, crampy feeling in my belly. It too was just an isolated incident and I haven't seen anymore since. Last night, I started having a heavy feeling in my upper chest, just above my bra. The girls were not comfortable. I hymned and hawed about testing or just waiting until my blood draw on Friday morning. I want to know so badly if I'm pregnant or just plain nuts.

So 6:30am, and I'm up today. Just out of curiosity, I temp. 98.7. Way above my coverline of 97.9. I go and use the bathroom. I collect a bit of pee in my Testing cup (c). You know, just in case. And then I pace. Should I? Should I test? Should I wait? Should I stop talking to myself? And then I just go for it. I take 1 of my 3 First Response Early Response (FRER in TTC lingo) tests and I dunk it for the required 5 seconds. I cap it, set it down, and resume pacing. My mind is racing. The tension in our small bath is nail-biting, and I was too.

At the 3min mark (in my head), I pick the test up. I squint. I panic. I squint and tilt the test some more. My heart is about to pound out of my chest. And this is why:

There is a hint of a line. A faint pink 2nd line. I've never ever seen one of these of my own. Usually, they are pure white, as white as snow. Nothing has ever shown up in that testing zone, no shadow, no evaporation line, nothing. My hands are trembling as I hold the test in disbelief. I start to choke up. Dumbfounded, I turn and walk back to the bed. I sit down beside the husband I adore more than anything else. I nudge him a wake. Then, I hand him the test, the stick with my pee on it, as if it was normal, hands still shaking.  "Turn on your light."  "What? Ok. What's this?"  "I took a test."  "There's a dark line and a faint line. What does that mean?"

I just grin like a psychotic lunatic. And I start crying and I'm covering my mouth for some crazy reason. All I can think is Oh. My. God. ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm pregnant. I... I am pregnant. And I'm sitting there, spazzing out on my husband. Hugging him. Kissing him. Trembling and tearing up. A complete freaking basket case. For almost 10min.

I've called an rescheduled my blood draw for today. At 10am, to be exact. By this afternoon, I'll know for sure whether or not I'm pregnant, what my hCG levels are, as well as my progesterone levels to see if the supps are helping and what the plan will be for the next several weeks. Looks like we went to Vegas, rolled the dice, and hit the jackpot. Our "minimal chance" may just have happened...

UPDATE: I was impatiently being forced to wait for the call about my results between 1-4pm, that was 2-5 hrs after getting home I had to watch the clock and check my phone and try not to totally lose it! So I attempted to nap at noon and eventually conked out, my phone tightly nestled against my chest. Wake up at 2:15p. While it did help the time magically go by, still no call and I had almost 2 more hrs I could be waiting, clutching my phone like it was the last piece of bread on Earth.

3:23pm. My phone rings. It's them! It's the RE's office! I scramble to answer the phone, hurriedly saying hello, only to hear someone being cut off as my phone drops the call! Utter dispair! I spend the next minute praying and whispering "Please call back, please, please call back." 3:25pm. My phone rings again. It's them! I start blathering on about how my phone dropped the call and such. Then the nurse gets down to business. "Well, I just wanted to let you know that your levels came back. They are positive for pregnancy at 24mIU/ml. Your progesterone is at 16mIU/ml." Thankfully, I wrote those down like an absent-minded robot, because I got stuck on the positive for pregnancy part.

While those numbers may seem kinda low to most people, I'm thrilled. I actually have some hCG in my system and  my progesterone is greater than 10! I have to keep taking the supplements but I don't care if that's all it takes. I realize I haven't peed at all today since that 1st test this morning. So 6hrs later, I use my Testing cup (c) and a 2nd FRER. The 2nd line is still faint, but a bit darker than before. Hot Diggity! I'm Pregnant. The month I gave up and didn't even think it was a possibility, the month I was totally unprepared for a positive was the month I got it. Go figure!

While I'm beyond excited and happy, I know not to take it for granted. There is so much that can happen between now and that 1st ultrasound, now and the 2nd trimester, and between now and my Due date (which is Oct 6th, by the way). I'm giving myself this day to act like a doofus and be a giggly, giddy little girl. Just today because tomorrow the worry sets in and I don't see it leaving anytime in the next 18yrs or so.


  1. Oh my Gosh!!! I am so happy for you! This is the reason I wanted to become past of the infertility blogging watch other sisters in the trenches get their positive pee sticks. You've made my day, Christina. And again, CONGRATULATIONS!

  2. Thank you so much for the congratulations! It still incredibly unbelievable for me right now. I know 7m of infertility is almost laughable short, but it has probably been the longest 7m of my life. I truly wish that everyone that has to suffer with IF could have this feeling though. It is very touching how close and supportive you feel for people you barely know but know they've gone and are going through the same hardship you are. I truly feel blessed, not only to finally have a +, but to have known such strong and courageous women as those that battle through IF and keep moving forward. Thank you again!