Saturday, March 12, 2011


I'm adrift. Unanchored.

Physically, it was a very short and uneventful "visit". Guess that's an upside to things. Now, I'm just floating along. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. I'm fully expecting ovulation around cd16 thanks to the wonder that is Letrozole. Only 2 more doses.

Mentally, my mind wanders non-stop. Day. Night. It doesn't help that I've had to take a round of Pred.nisone for my wonderfully enlarged lymph nodes (thanks, allergies). Thoughts about everything are bounding around in my head. If I could just get them all sorted and organized, I think it wouldn't be so bad. I can't seem to make sense of my life lately, let alone my thoughts.

I always thought growing up, that the adult had it all worked out and knew what was what. As an adult, I realized nothing is as black and white as it was when I was younger. Even the shades of gray were distinct. All the colors just run together, and we just have to do our best to try and differentiate them from one another. I'm more lost now as a grown-up than I think I was as a kid.

Sure, I didn't know what the future held or what was next as a child, but that was exciting then.  Blindly moving forward, getting right back up if I stumbled. Dust myself off, and continuing.
That same uncertainty is almost crippling now. I now tiptoe, step by step, towards I don't know what, second guessing myself along the way.With progress, comes fear. Backtracking brings doubt. I don't know if I want to keep moving forward, but I know I can't turn back.  I'm stuck at a stand-still. Petrified almost to do anything, but terrified of doing nothing.

I wish there was a way to go back and keep myself naive about certain things in life...


  1. I'm sorry you're feeling so lost Christina. I think we've all been there. It's a really hard thing to be let down by your body, and to feel out of control.

    Hang in there...(HUGS)

  2. What a common feeling....I am sorry you are dealing with it now, but soon you will get good news :)

  3. Thanks ladies! A lot of it isn't TTC related stuff, but the majority is. The best thing about this community is knowing that no matter what I'm feeling or thinking, there are countless others that are feeling the same way or thinking the same things. It definitely helps to normalize things for me!

  4. I feel this way too sometimes. My therapist tells me to live in the grey, but it's so darn confusing. I remember thinking the same thing - when I was an adult, I would have it figured out. At almost 36, now I'm wondering when I will become an adult...

    Sending you a hug!

  5. I totally understand. If only we could go back to being blissful children... things were so much easier then.

  6. I have to agree with Alex...36 is three weeks away, and half the time I feel like I'm 13. This whole experience has wrecked havoc on my confidence and my ability to make any kind of decisions.

    I hope you are feeling better a few days later. Thanks again fro the type on the vitamins. I found some over the weekend. It's like candy!