Wandering

I'm adrift. Unanchored.

Physically, it was a very short and uneventful "visit". Guess that's an upside to things. Now, I'm just floating along. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. I'm fully expecting ovulation around cd16 thanks to the wonder that is Letrozole. Only 2 more doses.

Mentally, my mind wanders non-stop. Day. Night. It doesn't help that I've had to take a round of Pred.nisone for my wonderfully enlarged lymph nodes (thanks, allergies). Thoughts about everything are bounding around in my head. If I could just get them all sorted and organized, I think it wouldn't be so bad. I can't seem to make sense of my life lately, let alone my thoughts.

I always thought growing up, that the adult had it all worked out and knew what was what. As an adult, I realized nothing is as black and white as it was when I was younger. Even the shades of gray were distinct. All the colors just run together, and we just have to do our best to try and differentiate them from one another. I'm more lost now as a grown-up than I think I was as a kid.

Sure, I didn't know what the future held or what was next as a child, but that was exciting then.  Blindly moving forward, getting right back up if I stumbled. Dust myself off, and continuing.
That same uncertainty is almost crippling now. I now tiptoe, step by step, towards I don't know what, second guessing myself along the way.With progress, comes fear. Backtracking brings doubt. I don't know if I want to keep moving forward, but I know I can't turn back.  I'm stuck at a stand-still. Petrified almost to do anything, but terrified of doing nothing.

I wish there was a way to go back and keep myself naive about certain things in life...