There are now 10 people outside of myself, the Boy (and ya'll) that know that we've been TTC and miscarried. Both parents (4), my boss, his boss, the therapist, Boy's co-worker, and now, the B & SIL. Yes, them.
I got tired of making excuses and lame back stories to why we can go to this or that and pretending to be super happy for every little thing they inform us on about their very soon to be arriving baby. The BIL was stopping by on Tuesday around 5pm to drop off a "special care package" of samples his little lab puppy was donating to my lab. As I gave him the go ahead, the Boy used that opportunity to fill him in on all our goings-ons.
At first, the BIL thought he had done something wrong, because Boy never has serious conversations. Then, he felt bad for some of the things he's said without knowing what we were going through at the time. He was caring and understanding from what hubby said. Even told us to keep trying no matter what, it will happen. And then, he suggested exactly what I knew he would. "She should talk to SIL about this. She knows about this stuff."
I knew that would come up and even had the Boy make sure to tell anyone he informs about this that it is different that SIL's situation. I feel really bad and kinda guilty about how anti-talking to her I am. Having "talks" with her in general is one-sided, and I don't think I can handle her dominating the conversation about my miscarriage and my feelings about it. And to make myself feel even more selfish, I don't want to talk to her about it because I don't want mine compared to hers. A miscarriage is a miscarriage, is never pleasant, and emotionally straining to say the least. I just don't want MY m/c to be lost in the sea of all the other (unfortunate) m/cs. I want mine to stay special.
It's just so hard now to connect with people that got pregnant easily. Or those that stayed that way with minimal assistance. I can barely stand to be in the same room as the maternity leave co-worker this past week. She spends half her time looking at pics of her son or talking about him and the other half talking about how hard it is to have to pump or breastfeed or sleep. I think I will have to bring her into the circle at least if I value my sanity at work.
Does it ever get easier?