There are now 10 people outside of myself, the Boy (and ya'll) that know that we've been TTC and miscarried. Both parents (4), my boss, his boss, the therapist, Boy's co-worker, and now, the B & SIL. Yes, them.
I got tired of making excuses and lame back stories to why we can go to this or that and pretending to be super happy for every little thing they inform us on about their very soon to be arriving baby. The BIL was stopping by on Tuesday around 5pm to drop off a "special care package" of samples his little lab puppy was donating to my lab. As I gave him the go ahead, the Boy used that opportunity to fill him in on all our goings-ons.
At first, the BIL thought he had done something wrong, because Boy never has serious conversations. Then, he felt bad for some of the things he's said without knowing what we were going through at the time. He was caring and understanding from what hubby said. Even told us to keep trying no matter what, it will happen. And then, he suggested exactly what I knew he would. "She should talk to SIL about this. She knows about this stuff."
I knew that would come up and even had the Boy make sure to tell anyone he informs about this that it is different that SIL's situation. I feel really bad and kinda guilty about how anti-talking to her I am. Having "talks" with her in general is one-sided, and I don't think I can handle her dominating the conversation about my miscarriage and my feelings about it. And to make myself feel even more selfish, I don't want to talk to her about it because I don't want mine compared to hers. A miscarriage is a miscarriage, is never pleasant, and emotionally straining to say the least. I just don't want MY m/c to be lost in the sea of all the other (unfortunate) m/cs. I want mine to stay special.
It's just so hard now to connect with people that got pregnant easily. Or those that stayed that way with minimal assistance. I can barely stand to be in the same room as the maternity leave co-worker this past week. She spends half her time looking at pics of her son or talking about him and the other half talking about how hard it is to have to pump or breastfeed or sleep. I think I will have to bring her into the circle at least if I value my sanity at work.
Does it ever get easier?
I totally understand you. I have a friend who had a miscarriage last summer, shortly after mine. And she kept trying to relate to me. I tried, but it kept going through my mind that hers was different - she lost her baby after one month of trying! I lost mine after over a year of trying, plus a few IUI's! It's not a Pain Olympics, I keep having to tell myself. This isn't a competition for whose life sucks the most. It all sucks. Sending you a hug, my dear.
ReplyDeleteFunnily enough I think it does get easier. A friend of mine who started trying in 2005 a year before me (and now is finally pregnant with her first) was one of the first people I told about what we were going to. She told me the first year is the worse. I think that is because in the first year, you still have hope. After that the downs aren't quite as low, cause you don't have the highs.
ReplyDeletehmmm that was a bit depressing.
But it does get easier.
I have a coworker who just returned from maternity leave this week. She sits right by me now. Thankfully, through most of her pregnancy, we sat on different floors. I haven't asked her anything about her baby yet. I'm hoping to avoid that.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the vitamin advice. I'm going to have to look for those. As for luteal phase, do you mind me asking how long yours was before being diagnosed? I feel like mine is on the short end, but my RE doesn't seem that concerned yet.
I'm with you on this one. Just like pregnancies are all different, so are m/c's. In my opinion, I'm still not pregnant, so I can't compare myself to those who have had one, and are now pregnant.
ReplyDeleteWhat I usually find is that the first few weeks of pregnancy announcements or births are always hard, but it seems to settle eventually. I hope this happens for you, although I know it's hard when it happens within the family and it's almost impossible to seperate yourself from it...