AND!

And! I left my lunch at home today and had to buy something at the cafeteria.

And! I think I may have started my period several days early. Woo freakin' hoo.

At least FF gave me 5 free days of VIP membership so now all can see I've been suffering from road congestion for the last 9d. I <3 progesterone suppositories.

Why is it only Wednesday?

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Update: I have indeed started early. Cycle #11 here I come. Goodbye 2011 baby. Maybe the in-laws will get that February, April, or June baby to fill in lack of birthdays for those months in the family.

12wks

This time 2m ago, I was pregnant. Newly pregnant. If things had gone well, I'd be almost 13wks and entering the 2nd trimester. I'd be starting to share the news with non-immediate family members and not-so close friends. I probably wouldn't be making a FB about it, but if I did, it would probably be as subtle as my IF outings.

Instead, I'm 10dpo and not feeling too promising about this cycle. I'm trying not to think about these things. Trying to ignore "symptoms" and not think about what cd I'm on or when I'd be late.

Yeah. That's not working so well. It's all I can think about. X number of days until I'd be late. X number of dpo. If I was pregnant, X number of weeks until this or that. It's probably not healthy. Unfortunately, I do it without really thinking and without realizing I'm doing it until it's done. I'm just too comfortable with numbers. Maybe I'm calculating all this as a way of comforting myself? I don't know.

What I do know is I'm fully expecting to move onto TTC in April. I'm hoping to be pregnant again by my birthday at the end of May, but even that isn't looking like much of a possibility in my mental calculations. Also in my calculations, is the amount of money we spend each month on vitamins, supplements, and Rx's for the snowball-in-hell's chance of getting pregnant again. Just shy of $150. I know that is no where close to what some women pay each month for injectibles, u/s, etc with more intense treatments. Still, that $1,500 (~2,000 + co-pays and all) that we've spent so far without anything to really show for it, except for 2 hpts with their faint, now crusty lines that are currently taking up space in a landfill, roughly the size of the hole in my heart.

For those that like to keep tabs on other people's 2ww symptoms:
-Nauseous, catch in my throat feeling (like I had 2m ago), but since 2dpo.
-Dull and periodic ache in my Right boob and under that armpit since 7dpo
-Strong, stabbing/pinching pains (similar to O pains) on my right side, just inside my hip yesterday and a bit Monday evening.

And that's it. But now I'm off to a busy, fun-(un)filled day at work, running around like a headless chicken to get the multitude of things I have to do today done.

Wishing everyone else a great Wednesday! Enjoy the last 2 days of March and I'll see you in April!

The Outing, revisited

While I was listening to some archived podcasts (is that the right word?) from the Fertility Focus Telesummit 2011, I was reading several various IF sites and blogs and it struck me. I'm slowly going to let myself come out to the world in general about our struggles to conceive.

We've now told family and friends. The parents. B & PG-SIL. I've messaged/emailed a close friend (the one I sent the baby sling to) and filled her in, now that she's moved onto her 2nd trimester. I've told a few work friends, but that's about it.

I posted that link to my FB page a while ago and got no responses. Well, let's see what I get now that I have joined the Resolve FB page/group and liked the Self article on Infertility Awareness. These are posted on my profile and my feed. I'm also contemplating a post in the near future fully outing myself as an Infertile and that baby-making isn't easy for everyone. It is very scary, nerve-wracking, relieving and empowering at that same time.

I've started off slowly and subtly, and I'd like to think here in the next few months, I'll have it out there in the open. Where all the world can see. Where it will no longer feel like a dirty, shameful little secret that has to be kept hidden. One little step at a time, but I'll get there.

I am the 1in 6 couples that has fertility issues. I am the 1 in 4 pregnancies that end in loss. I am tired of keeping it quiet.

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Update: I just wanted to thank you all for the great comments and support! It is surprising how even just small steps such as a simple click of the "like" button can fill us with so much fear and confusion! I'm deeply grateful to have you all at my back, cheering.

My mom "liked" my link to the Self article and another friend (house-warmer) "liked" my attendance of the FF Telesummit. While it's just 2 people, it's 2 more people than the day before that know and care. Maybe after in a bit, my outings will be a bit more overt. Maybe I'll even have one in public *gasp* 

On 2nd thought,  probably not for quite a while yet.

Word Mojoless

I'm suffering from Blogger's block. There isn't anything much weighing on my mind lately other than "Will I get/stay pregnant this cycle?" and I'm not about to make posts based solely on "symptoms". We all know that they are just a load of hog-wash unless you hugging a toilet or are late. I highly doubt my nauseous feelings today (at 3-5dpo) could at all be indicative of being knocked-up (more likely I possibly had the flu or a bug as a coworker is out the week sick).

I could make another post about my dialogue with the PG-SIL. She got my last email and decided to IM me (something she hasn't done in about 6-10m). The conversation played out exactly as I thought it would. We did the 20 questions type thing as she asked how, what, when, where and why. It was quickly followed with "I did this" and "we found that this worked for me" and "You should check out opks to determine your O and confirm it with temping". Oh and "did they happen to give me an Rx for clomid?" because that worked for her. We then discussed various forms of progesterone. Apparently, my Master's degree isn't as sufficient a knowledge base as what she's learn the 4-5m before getting pregnant this time. She did have some helpful tips and tidbits about Rx pricing and insurance type things so I was able to come away from the session with something.

My mom called today to check in on me. She saw the link on FB I had up the other day and thought I was having a rough day and wanted to see how I was and all. Very sweet of her, and I greatly appreciated it. It does seem that people don't necessarily believe me when I tell them that we are doing well, considering, and are ready to move on from there. It's probably confusing to them that I've come to terms with my m/c but not with other people's pregnancies and babies. I can talk about the loss now without crying or getting very emotional, but stick me in a room with expectant or new mothers? I'll lose it. I'm pretty sure it's a "you had to be there" thing. If you haven't gone through a loss or a struggle to get pregnant, you won't get how I (we) react differently to rather similar things.

Last thing I can think to mention is how not only am I stumped and baffled by my early ovulation, my FF chart is also confused. My temp increase today has it thinking maybe I popped my egg on cd15 now, but gave me solid crosshairs for cd14 yesterday. Not sure why, but on medicated cycles, I have slow rises. It usually takes a day, maybe 3 for them to get to the elevated, thermal shift point. It is kind of amusing to be a mystery, wrapped in an enigma, surrounded by crazy and fertility-enhancing paraphernalia!

WTF?

So I think I may have ovulated? (And yes, I meant it as a question)

Each and every month that I've taken the Femara, I've ovulated on cd16. That's 5 consistent cycles of cd16 O. I would get a day or 2 of fertile CM around cd10, and then start the watery/EW around cd14, and it would continue until the day after O. I got O pains each and every time. My sex drive perks up, blah blah blah.

As expected, had some watery CM on cd11/12 at the end of last week. Then, my body throws me a curve ball and goes straight to EW. Still ok as it should continue on for the next several days and after O on cd16... Orrr just through the weekend, and my temp jumps up yesterday and today. Makes me super glad that I am a good and dutiful wife and gave the Hubs some lovin' even though I wasn't in BDing gear just yet! If we had waited for my usual O friskiness, we'd be sitting this 2ww out and waiting for April.

I have never (that I've had record of) ovulated before cd16. Not in the 9m of TTC, not in the 4m before that I was tracking my period and "ovulatory fluid". Never. Yet, here I sit, most likely 2dpo, but possibly 3, on CD16. Yup! I ovulated on the textbook cd14 it would seem. (I hope this results in a textbook pregnancy!) Now for the fun part- the 2ww and progesterone suppositories! High five? Anyone?

In other news, the PG-SIL emailed me back. Apparently, she's been having an hectic week due to some family issues and that delayed her response. She was sorry to know we had gone through "similar" experiences as they did and that I hadn't felt comfortable in using her as a support resource. Oh, and do I want her to RSVP for me for her shower, or do I want to contact the host personally?

O.O   Uh, I don't know, that was the whole point of the initial email. As for the support she could have offered- she most definitely could relate to the emotions of going through a miscarriage, that I don't doubt. I just don't think she would get that we needed help right out the gate, and pretty much were told we stood no chance outside of $$IVF$$, then to loose our miracle pregnancy just as quickly as it came. By the time we told anyone, we were both well on the road to healing. I'm not sure how much she could have helped at that point, to be honest. I'm not sure what knowledge she could have passed onto me about TTC or "infertility" at that point that I wasn't already aware of after these last 6m. We aren't exactly what I would consider "close", but the brothers are, so I'm more amicable to her than I am to the other SIL.

Now, I need to formulate my reply to her email without blowing my top and all. I can not tell her what I've written here without it screwing things up between us all again. I'll sleep on it and see what I come up with this time. Tomorrow looks to be a whirlwind of a day- (10hr work day, 4 interviewees to coordinate, SIL email, and that's only the things that are currently planned!

****************************************************

Update! I thought about my email quite a bit last night while I was laying in bed, unable to fall asleep. This is what I sent her this morning:

I'm sorry to hear that there are such stressful issues going on with your family. Hopefully, things get worked out soon for ya'll

As for the RSVP, I guess I can just tell [host] that I will most likely attend, but not 100% definite at the moment.

As for the miscarriage, [Hubs] and I felt that it was a personal thing that we should deal with together. We hadn't even told the parents until things ended and we had recovered. We have just recently reached the point that we are comfortable enough with it to discuss it with other people. I do appreciate your offer of support, though. I'm not sure how much info [Hubs] gave [BIL] about things, but reproductively, things ended up being difficult for us from the very start and only got harder the more testing we underwent. I can elaborate further if you'd really like to know the details.

No responses?

Almost 24hrs after sending that email to the SIL, I haven't received any form of acknowledgment that she even received the email or any form of anything. I know she's read it by now as she lives through her iphone and any other email I've sent her has been answered even briefly within the hour. Maybe, as the Hubs suggests, she's just trying to formulate an appropriate response. It is still nerve-wracking for me, none the less. Just having put myself out there like that, just kinda hanging now.

I took another big step yesterday evening in outing my infertile self. I've seen this Time article 3 different times in 3 different places now. Either it is some huge coincidence or I'm suppose to do something about it. So, without giving myself the opportunity to hesitate, I hit the FB like button. Minutes later, this pops up on my profile and into the newsfeed.

*crickets*

No response to that either. I wasn't expecting everyone on FB to come swarming my page, but I was hoping someone would see it and be intrigued or concerned enough about it to send me a message or comment or something! When I posted about my depression (re)diagnosis 2yr ago, and then happened put up a profile picture a week or so later that I thought was artsy, but incidentally also contained the Boy's bbgun, BAM! My page is lit up, my phone is ringing, and people are messaging me asking if I'm ok. I hadn't even put it up there to be angsty or deep. I just wanted to change it and liked the look of that one. The bbgun wasn't even prominently featured!

And yet, here I am "liking" a post about m/c and depression and not one little thing. Is it really that taboo of a subject? Maybe I'm over-reacting (very likely). Maybe, just maybe, it is just too subtle for most people to be able to 2 and 2 together. I'm not sure how, but I guess I'll give it reasonable doubt. I'm not quite ready yet to be more overt in my announcements to the whole world, but I think these baby steps are a good start.

Have any of you posted something publicly that you could have sworn would have tipped people off to things, but inadvertently it seemed to have breezed right over their heads?

The Baby Shower Sitch

So here's just a little update about the SIL's baby shower dealio. Rather than go back-and-forth with myself over what I should do, I sent her an email. It's a bit rough and a little disjointed, I know, because if I gave it too much more thought, I never would have the balls to hit the send button.

I know [Boy] has told [BIL] what's been going on for us lately, and I'm sure he's passed that on to you.

I've received the baby shower invite from the [SIL's friend] the other week. I haven't RSVP'd for it yet, though. I am very conflicted and just wanted to take a moment to let you know why.

I would hate to say I will be there and then unable to feel I can make it come the day of the shower. I also don't want to outright say I won't be there. At this moment, I can't predict how I will feel that day and therefore, don't know how to respond to the invite. The baby showers that I was invited to at the end of last year were a bit uncomfortable and difficult for me then, so I don't know how I will handle one now. I don't want to take away from your joy on that day. All I can promise right now is that I'll try to be there. I hope you will understand.

So here's hoping she does understand that I'll be a bit wishy-washy on that subject. Now... I have to wait and see how she responds...

Insight or insecurity?

Even though I've been posting happy little tid bits in the Daily Delights, I still feel like I'm just spewing a lot of negativity out into the blogosphere these days. It's not intentional at all. I think it may just because there really isn't anything going on lately. With nothing to really comment on in my life, I turn to my thoughts, which tend to fall on the not-so-chipper side.

I say I'm a realist but in truth that is just a nice spin on being a pessimist. I've always looked for the bad in things, expected the worst, and never hedged my bets on the good outcome. This behavior has only been exacerbated by recent events. I have tried to not dwell on the bad and focus on the good and was doing well for a while. With the help of medication, of course.

I've been battling anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem, in one form or another, for as long as I can remember. All the way back in elementary school even. I was an awkward and very shy child, and tended to be picked on by others. Never physically, but the "I'm rubber. You're glue..." trick never worked for me. The words hurt. However, I was unable to avoid being the butt of a joke or some put-down by the more popular kids. From then on, I was a nerd, with great grades, wasn't into fashion or sports, and a late bloomer. Oh, and I had braces and acne. A prime target, really.

I had great friendships through those years and on into middle and high school. Unfortunately, they would move or we moved or someone changed schools. I've never been able to keep a true BFF. I know through counseling/therapy that this is why I guard myself, keep from getting close to other people and letting them in to my inner world. I've been burned too many times to get close to that warm, glowing flame of close friendship, and beaten down enough to think it's not something I deserve anyways.

I was making progress on all these front the last few years. I was making the efforts and seeing some results. I stepped out of my comfort zone, put myself out there and was pleasantly surprised a few times. I was slowly taking down my wall. It felt great! To talk with people, to share things. I felt lighter and happier than I have in years. Things improved even more when we ditched the prevention and started TTC.

Now, things seem to no longer be improving. I find myself retreating more and more. I find myself smiling less and less. While I'm not rebuilding the wall, I've invested in some other forms of armor. I'm not entirely sure why I'm doing this. Sharing the bad, along with the good, made things easier, less complicated. Why am I hiding and avoiding when I know it is not an emotionally healthy thing to do? Why am I withdrawing when I need the external support? Could it be that if I ignore the hard and difficult truths, they don't exist? Pretending that the monster in the closet is just my imagination and when I open my eyes again, thing will be better?

I just don't know.

What I do know is that I'm beginning to experience those feelings of depression and anxiety again, even on my meds. I don't like it, but don't know how to change it. I refuse to let things spiral back down to the point they were 2yrs ago. I don't want to hide in denial that a problem exists. But what else can I do? These feelings are surfacing because of things I can't control and can't seem to fix. Sure, I could up my med doses, but that is just masking the symptoms not curing the cause.

I know so many of you have had these same feelings as you struggle with infertility as well. It sucks and I hate it. I've feel like this after just 9m of TTC, 6m of IF. I feel weak to admit it, but I've been taking my Xan.ax far more frequently than I ever did in these past 2yrs. I just can not deal with situations involving pregnant women, new moms, etc unless my emotions have been blunted by medication or alcohol. It's sad and makes me feel worse to know that I don't have it in me to face these things on my own.

This has probably been the hardest 6m of my life. So incredibly trying. And difficult. And defeating. I don't know how some of you do this for 1yr, 2yrs, and even longer. Ya'll are far stronger than I. I don't think I could cope with these feelings for that long. I'm scared of getting a positive again and losing that as well. I'm scared of never getting another positive. It isn't the disappointment of negatives. Sure, I'm a bit down each cd1, but it is more due to thoughts of it never happening than that it didn't happen this month. I don't know how women can keep moving forward, month after month, cycle after cycle with the knowledge that it may never be something achievable for them. I know in the end "it will all be worth it". I just don't want to be an angry, bitter, and jaded women when I get to that point.

How does one separate their self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy that are so intimately tied to infertility? How does one not feel like a failure when their body fails to do something that women have been doing almost effortlessly for millions of years? I'm sure if I gained some ground somewhere, I'd feel better. I just need something really, really good to happen soon to pick me up. Anything.

I should have taken a Topography course in college

Then, I'd be able to figure out what's what on a map. Then, I'd be able to figure out where the heck I am and how to get to where I want to be. I wish it was as easy as it is in the game "Life". All I'd have to do is draw the card and BAM! baby in the back seat.

Another thing crushing down on me is my SIL's impending baby shower. April 16th. I have 30 days to figure out what the heck I'm going to do. I've put off helping her friend organize it by using the "busy with work" excuse. I got the invite last week and haven't responded yet. I don't want to say yes and either make myself go or chicken out of it at the last minute. I don't want to say no and have to deal with all that goes with it for the next 30 days. Help?

EDIT: SIL and BIL know what's gone on as the Hubs told them a few weeks ago. His parents are the only other members of his family that know. Her shower is going to have other SIL and several other relatives that would definitely ask questions if I'm not there as we only live <30min away. I could make it through the shower with enough X.anax, assuming I'm not pregs by then (most likely not). I'll probably sit on it for a bit longer and see if I find any clarity. I'm pretty sure I'm just going to buy them something online as I can NOT go down the baby aisles w/o tearing up.

Wandering

I'm adrift. Unanchored.

Physically, it was a very short and uneventful "visit". Guess that's an upside to things. Now, I'm just floating along. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. I'm fully expecting ovulation around cd16 thanks to the wonder that is Letrozole. Only 2 more doses.

Mentally, my mind wanders non-stop. Day. Night. It doesn't help that I've had to take a round of Pred.nisone for my wonderfully enlarged lymph nodes (thanks, allergies). Thoughts about everything are bounding around in my head. If I could just get them all sorted and organized, I think it wouldn't be so bad. I can't seem to make sense of my life lately, let alone my thoughts.

I always thought growing up, that the adult had it all worked out and knew what was what. As an adult, I realized nothing is as black and white as it was when I was younger. Even the shades of gray were distinct. All the colors just run together, and we just have to do our best to try and differentiate them from one another. I'm more lost now as a grown-up than I think I was as a kid.

Sure, I didn't know what the future held or what was next as a child, but that was exciting then.  Blindly moving forward, getting right back up if I stumbled. Dust myself off, and continuing.
That same uncertainty is almost crippling now. I now tiptoe, step by step, towards I don't know what, second guessing myself along the way.With progress, comes fear. Backtracking brings doubt. I don't know if I want to keep moving forward, but I know I can't turn back.  I'm stuck at a stand-still. Petrified almost to do anything, but terrified of doing nothing.

I wish there was a way to go back and keep myself naive about certain things in life...

Widening the circle, a bit.

There are now 10 people outside of myself, the Boy (and ya'll) that know that we've been TTC and miscarried. Both parents (4), my boss, his boss, the therapist, Boy's co-worker, and now, the B & SIL. Yes, them.

I got tired of making excuses and lame back stories to why we can go to this or that and pretending to be super happy for every little thing they inform us on about their very soon to be arriving baby. The BIL was stopping by on Tuesday around 5pm to drop off a "special care package" of samples his little lab puppy was donating to my lab. As I gave him the go ahead, the Boy used that opportunity to fill him in on all our goings-ons.

At first, the BIL thought he had done something wrong, because Boy never has serious conversations. Then, he felt bad for some of the things he's said without knowing what we were going through at the time. He was caring and understanding from what hubby said. Even told us to keep trying no matter what, it will happen. And then, he suggested exactly what I knew he would. "She should talk to SIL about this. She knows about this stuff."

I knew that would come up and even had the Boy make sure to tell anyone he informs about this that it is different that SIL's situation. I feel really bad and kinda guilty about how anti-talking to her I am. Having "talks" with her in general is one-sided, and I don't think I can handle her dominating the conversation about my miscarriage and my feelings about it. And to make myself feel even more selfish, I don't want to talk to her about it because I don't want mine compared to hers. A miscarriage is a miscarriage, is never pleasant, and emotionally straining to say the least. I just don't want MY m/c to be lost in the sea of all the other (unfortunate) m/cs. I want mine to stay special.

It's just so hard now to connect with people that got pregnant easily. Or those that stayed that way with minimal assistance. I can barely stand to be in the same room as the maternity leave co-worker this past week. She spends half her time looking at pics of her son or talking about him and the other half talking about how hard it is to have to pump or breastfeed or sleep. I think I will have to bring her into the circle at least if I value my sanity at work.

Does it ever get easier?

Whirlwind Weekend of Ups and Downs

What a crazy past few days here! Thanks so much for the blog design help given last post! As you can see, I sorta figured it out and implemented. Yay me!

This weekend was super busy and activity filed, at least it was when compared to our usual weekend of hanging around the house and maybe hitting up Tar-jay or the Home Depot. I'm going to portion it into baby-related and non-related sections.

Friday - Baby: Co-worker returns from maternity leave. Spends all day talking about baby/mommy stuff and looking at pics of her kid and calling the grandparents to see how he is doing.
Not-Baby: Went to see our friend's band play and eat dinner while there. The Boy got free t-shirts that he designed for 2 of the bands. My food was not as good as usual there, and I had a cup of honey mustard fall into my lap.
Baby: His wife just entered her 2nd trimester and he sorta talked about the u/s and stuff.

Saturday - Baby: SIL had her 4d u/s, that we did not attend. We did however visit them to see the Boy's folks. Unfortunately, it was all baby talk from BIL and SIL. She even handed me the print outs to look through since we were "unable to make it". I flipped through them, not once looking down at them.
Not-Baby: It was great to see the in-laws as we haven't seen them since New Year's.  Also, took an amazing nap with Boy when we got home.
Baby: Went to a friend/co-worker's house warming party. Lots of babies and baby talk. Boo. Got to hold their little girl a lot. Yay! She even fell asleep in my arms twice! I almost cried at how sweet she looked and how great it felt to hold a baby! Unfortunately, I did cry when the 2 fertile-myrtle co-workers (maternity leaver and house owner) started talking about now having to prevent so they don't get pregnant again and how badly it seems their bodies like having babies. Big Boo. Also, had several near breakdowns while on baby duty about how I'm a "natural" and how I need to talk the hubs into "having one of them." Sigh. If all it took was talking him into it, I'd so be knocked-the-F-up right now!

Sunday - Not-baby: Got Cricket microchipped! Everyone always fawns over her because she is such a different looking dog and is so people-friendly. She did great and didn't even flinch or anything at the injection.
Unfortunately-Not-Baby: Started spotting/light flow that night after my shower.

Monday - Not-baby: Had my consult with my Primary care office. My blood work all looks good except for 2 things. My vitamin D was a bit low, even taking my calcium/D supplements, and my eosinophils were high (thanks allergies!). The best news was that my TSH was at 1.526! Much better than >3 it has been at the last several times. Looks like this 50mcg of the Synthroid is working! Sadly, bleeding in full force this morning. Onto cycle 10.
Baby: The nurse practitioner that I saw today was at least 5-6mo pregnant and I had to explain why I was taking the Synthroid and Letrozole. Nothing like explaining to a preg that your stuff is all busted and won't do what it should be doing without strong-arming it with meds. She looked lost the whole time.

New Directions

This post is unfortunately not a Glee reference, but the title fits and I love that it makes me think of Glee!

The last few days I've looked over the most recent several posts I've done. Why has anyone told me I've been a whining, complaining ball of meh? I realized I need to inject more positivity into this blog and my life as well. What I'd like to do I need help with as I'm not super good at this whole blog/website layout stuff.

I want to add link buttons/menu bar at the top of the page below the title banner. Make a few subpages. I see lots of blogs that have these and I have no clue how to put them on mine. Anyone that knows how or can point me in the right direction, I'd be eternally grateful!

I'd like to make a page that just has our TTC time line summed up for easy access for new readers and quick ref for others. I also want to make one where I have to put at least 1 positive, inspirational, or happy thought or action each and every day. I know I could just keep a journal for that, but I think the fact of putting it out where others can access it will not only make me feel more accountable for posting them, but maybe they will also help others who need a little glimmer of hope and happiness as well.

So those are the new directions I want to head in, but need some help getting there.

ps. 13dpo today. Waiting and seeing.

Emotional Volcano?

Not sure what it is, but I've been pretty freakin' emotional the past few days.

Just add Infertility and hormonally driven emotions! Fun for Days!

Last night, 2 different family members on the in-law side made certain comments that pretty much implied that we weren't as important because we don't have kids. I teared up at the 1st comment and about had a conniption fit after the second. I really wanted to reply back to her Face.book message with some snarky remark! I didn't because I chickened out and didn't think it was necessary to even respond.

Today was just a crazy long, tiring day. Had a blood draw as part of my physical with my general care practitioner. I was able to get them to throw in testing my thyroid again so I can see if the meds are working at this higher dose. I was just frazzled at work as I rushed from one thing to the next and made phone call after phone call. I was finally able to eat my lunch at 2:30/3pm. We had a plumbing issue at the house that I had the people coming out to fix today. There was apparently a miss-communication about the time scheduling because I thought they were going to show up between 1-3, but they had me down at 3-6. Then they were trying to say the problem was our fault but we didn't leave the hose connected so I don't know how it happened even though that is their only explanation for it. I got way too heated over that than I normally would be.

Tonight, I saw someone post the crib they bought for their nursery on a forum and spent the next 30min looking at nursery furniture and getting upset. It even crossed my mind that if this cycle doesn't work out, maybe we should take a break from all this baby stuff. We have some debt and finances stuff we could stand to get fully sorted. Lots of work we want to do on the house. I'm still trying to figure out traveling with 2 large! dogs and a car seat in a regular sedan. The number of times that the thought "Maybe there is a reason we aren't getting/staying pregnant right now and should take it as a sign to focus on other things instead" crossed my mind today is more than I'd like to count.

10dpo. Maybe it is a symptom? Maybe not? I don't want to read into it because it could just be that I'm getting crazy whacked out emotions in prep for the start of the next cycle. I just don't know and I don't want to test! Help?

Today's post is brought to you by the #9

9
9 cycles.
9dpo.
and hey, 9pm (EST)!

I think I'm diving off the deep end this 2ww. The last 2 days have involved me flipping back and forth being optimistic and disappointed about this cycle. I could have sworn I would be finding an unwelcomed visitor on several different restroom breaks, but luckily didn't. I think I have symptoms and then I don't or think that I'm just imagining them. The only thing I can say for certain is I've had a lot of odd cramping, almost akin to ovulation pains, but kind of all over the belly area. Oh, and I almost forgot, I've been super warm off and on today and sweaty the past 3 nights. I can't recall if this happened last month or all of the past months I've taken the progesterone supplements.

I'm trying not to get my hopes too high or expect too much out of this cycle. but after 9 freaking cycles I'm ready to be pregnant already. I was talking with a TTC buddy I meet online (Hi Sheena!) about how if I had been lucky right out of the gate, I'd be due at the end of March. That is so unreal to me. How is it that I'm not pregnant by now?!

I really hope I get some insight of how things will turn out for cycle #9 by this weekend. It is far too pregnant people orientated for me to deal and not knowing or starting my period. Friday, we plan to attend a show by a friend's band. His wife found out at the start of Jan that she was pregnant, told me mid Jan, just a week or so before I got my positive. They had been not preventing for almost a year, but hadn't actually started trying. She's almost out of her 1st trimester by now. I'm not sure I can have a conversation with him without either holding back a floodgate of emotions or by drugging myself up with enough Xan.ax that I won't care.

Saturday. Oh god, Saturday. Hubby's folks are coming into town for a day or 2 to attend the SIL's 3d/4d ultrasound. She invited us to this, but 1) I really think this is a very private occasion, and 2) there is absolutely no way I can attend it without breaking down or blowing up. I'm sure to visit with the in-laws, we'll have to head over to her and BIL's house that evening and I'll have to either come clean to them or make up an excuse. The parents know the truth, so either way it's going to awkward. Then Saturday evening, a co-worker/friend is having a belated house-warming party. Belated because she gave birth the month after they moved in. Her daughter is adorable; I made a trip to their place a few weeks ago, after the m/c, and was ok. What will be difficult about this time is that there will be at a minimum 4 babies. That's right, FOUR, and 3 of those were "Holy cow! We were so surprised to have been pregnant. Totally unplanned!" If I could have assurance that it wasn't just going to be baby and new mommy talk, I'd go in a heartbeat. Somehow, I don't think that will be the case.

But in good news, the boy bought me a few little pots of strawberry plants to put in my plant hanger. I can't wait for the weather to stay warm so I can hang the planter outside and let the plants grow and supply me with a summer's worth of delicious, sweet fruits! My daffodils are exploding in the front yard. Everywhere, thanks to the previous owners. The trees are blooming and growing leaves. Things look to be turning green again and that makes me happy! Also, the baby animals are being born at work, and I got to have a closer than expected encounter with this little girl when she broke out of the pen.

Can I go home with you?

See! Even baby animals want me to be their mommy! This is totally a sign that I should be knocked up ASAP!