Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Dealing and Healing

I know this process is different for every woman and every pregnancy. Thankfully, I can say I'm doing alright. Not great, but ok. Monday, I was a complete and total wreck after that fated call back. I called and told Chris the bad news, and cried in the stairwell. Pulled myself together enough to make it back to the scope room and battled tears, anger, hurt, loss, and almost every other emotion under the sun for the next 3.5hrs. Then, I realized I couldn't stay in that room for the rest of the day. Crap. I'm an ugly crier. As soon as the tears start, my eyes and nose turn red. Not pink, or anything, straight up red! And my eyes get super puffy and swollen. Ugh. I could not leave that room looking like this. The only thing I could use was some ethanol on a tissue to cool my angry red, swollen eyelids and nose, hopefully enough to not look like I've spend the last 2hrs bawling alone in the dark.

It have some what worked because I was able to make it to my shared office, go in my purse and take an nice Xanax pill along with some ibuprofen without anyone mentioned anything or asking if I was ok. Oh, I forgot to mention that crying gives me intense headaches. So for the rest of the work day, i was able to be blissfully numb enough to pretend I was fine. I can not say that lasted once I got home though. After hugging and kissing my fantastic husband, I swung wildly from very sad, to wanting to be violently angry. I wanted to break something, to scream, to get all the pain, anguish and emptiness that was inside me out. I had a glass and a half of wine, don't remember what I ate, and my laptop. After several hours of tears and snot streaming down my face, multiple updates to people and groups online,  we headed to bed. Oh, I forgot to mention that our propane tank ran empty Monday morning and we had no heat until the next day.

I woke up Tuesday, still sad, but far far more stable and on the mend emotionally. And swollen. I could have been a face double for Rocky at the end of a fight, minus the blood though. My face hurt. More than my heart and more than the rest of my body. I spend the whole day in bed. Except for a few excursions to the restroom and a time or two to other rooms, I was in the bed, in pjs, ALL day long. I researched what to expect during a miscarriage, after a miscarriage, how other people dealt, how they felt, and I wrote. I wrote a blog post. I wrote to other women I knew that had gone through it. I wrote to my boss, briefly, about it all and how it would affect my work. I emailed, and Facebooked, and instant messaged. I got it out in a much healthier way than the night before. I was pulling through. Dealing with the emotional and mental aspects and healing.

Things have been picking up on the physical side of things, but aren't horrible. Much stronger cramping and aches than a normal period and just different, but not agonizing. My RE must have forgot to mention it or thought it was common sense, but I did not know that tampons are a NO-NO for miscarriage bleeding. Oops! Totally a learning process here. All of it is a process. There is no right way or wrong way of feeling or dealing or healing. It just is and that's perfectly fine. I do recommend some Tylenol or Advil or something though. Lifesavers, they are.

Today, things continue. Life is still going on, moving forward. I feel ok today as well. The talking and typing have helped. The sharing my feelings, both physical and not, is allowing me to keep on keeping on. I've accepted my loss, that the baby wasn't to be, and am thankful that it happened sooner rather than later. While not fully healed, emotionally or physically, I'm looking forward. We both agreed to keep trying right away. The Dr said to wait a cycle, but I think that is just for dating the pregnancy. If I happen to ovulate in a timely manner and we happen to feel like trying, I think I'd be ok if we happen to get pregnant again or even if it doesn't happen. I won't be taking the letrozole/femara this cycle and I haven't decided about the progesterone, but probably not. We'll just have to see. In the meantime, I'm taking things day by day and being content with just being ok.


  1. Taking things day by day is the best you can do. Some days will seem better and you'll think you're coping better - some days will just slap you in the face and bring you back down. But those days will be fewer and further between - and don't mean you're going 'backwards'. Healing isn't linear. Just be kind to yourself. ((HUGS))

  2. Here from LFCA and wanted to offer a hug. Going through a loss sucks. Be gentle and kind with yourself...but it sounds like you are doing what you need to do to take care of you.

  3. Here from LFCA with a hug and warm thoughts...

  4. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's a hard, terrible process: feel what you feel, and don't be surprised if it smacks you in the head from time to time. The pain will always be there, but the waves of panic and anger will lessen with time.

    My heart is with you.


  5. Here from LFCA. I'm sorry for your loss. A virtual hug from me to you.

  6. I'm so very sorry for your loss. Give yourself the time to grieve - it's so very important. There is nothing I can say that can comfort you, but just know that we're all out here supporting you...

  7. Hi there,
    I'm here from LFCA - so sorry to hear about your loss. I know it's tempting to just move on and keep on trying right away - but from experience, please give yourself some time to grieve. Medically, it's technically ok to try right away, but psychologically and physiologically it's better to give it about three months for both your body and soul to recover. No matter what - just remember to give yourself ample time to feel your feelings.
    Big hug to you!

  8. Glad you are feeling OK and so, so sorry for your loss. I had 2 early miscarriages after IVF cycles last year and it hurts like hell. Hang in there and hugs to you.
    Wishing you peace...