My life has become numbers and statistics, and none of them have anything to do with anything scientifically significant like they use to.
Cycle days (currently 2), days post ovulation, number of cycles (8), number of months (7), possible estimated due date, today's date (2/1). 1st beta hCG 24, progesterone 16. 2nd beta hCG 4.6. Numbers, numbers everywhere.
About 10% of the female US population will experience some form of infertility. 1 in 6 couples will have difficulty conceiving. One third is female issues; one third is male; 20% is unexplained, and 10% is a combination of partner issues. There is a 20-25% chance of conceiving each cycle if sex occurs during the woman's fertile period. 1 in 5 pregnancies will end in miscarriage. Of that, half will occur before a heartbeat can be detected.*
I am 1 in 6, that 10%, that 1 in 5 and that half. I am that <0.1% of the US married, TTC population that have had difficulty getting pregnant because we both have reproductive issues and the pregnancy ended in miscarriage before there was a heartbeat. I am the current face of infertility and loss. And right now, I feel like just being that number, a statistic. I'm fine with it. Numbers just are what they are. They can't help being odd or even, can't control if they are prime or not.
My infertility is nothing I've done to myself, nothing I could control. This miscarriage is what it is. Sure, it is my loss, but it's not my fault. It just is. I'm not saying I'm ok with it or that it is just a loss and nothing more. I'm far from ok, but right now I just am. I am ok with just being right now. Just being what ever I feel I need to be. If that is angry or sad, confused or numb, than that's what I am. I can't change it. I don't want to change it. I shouldn't have to change it. And I'm not going to change it.
The amount of support I have felt and been shown the last 2 days is remarkable. Women I don't know, never met, will probably never meet have sent me their condolences, their sincere sadness for my loss. The friends that I have online and a few that now in person have offered me any support I feel I need from them and their heartfelt sympathies. Unfortunately, there have been several women I have met and those I have not, that have also sent me their understanding and can commiserate with what I'm going through. Even my male boss, has shown me understanding, compassion and support. My husband had been the greatest. While he is not experiencing this loss as I am, he is still disappointed and sad. While he is not emotionally distraught, he has no problem with me being what ever I need to be and doing what ever I need to do. He even offered to make me a bowl of ice cream for dinner which I so greatly appreciated but did not have any appetite. *** He actually has taken the week off work to be with me after talking with his manager. I love my husband!***
This amazing outpouring of sympathy and support, while it doesn't change anything, makes this process slightly easier. I may be a statistic, but at least I'm not alone.
* Statistics taken from Resolve: The National Infertility Association and The CDC's Division of Reproductive Health