Saturday, February 26, 2011

The Outing

First, Thanks for all the comments Ladies! As for the sleepless bit, I love white noise but it sorta irritates the Boy. Maybe we can find something that would work for the both of us? Hopefully, it goes away really soon.

Second, the parent visit went well. They didn't bring the uncomfortable topic up, so neither did I. There was no tiptoeing around it; it just didn't come up in the course of our conversations. There was the vague "How have ya'll been?" and "Are things going alright with work and all?" as well as greeting hugs, etc. We played with the dogs and just chatted for a bit. Then, out and about to a few places, trying to find us a new coffee table to replace our 7 or 8yr old table. Upon departure, my mom told us to take care and let them know if we need anything between now and their next visit (which is tentatively set for April sometime). "Feel free to stop by our way any time. You should look up here for that coffee table." All in all, a good visit, and very chill.

Some of the comments on my last post as well as several other people's blog posts have got me thinking. Maybe I should come out to just the family about our problems with infertility. Holding onto the "secret" is getting old. I'm tired of hiding it and covering for it. And I'd love to connect to someone IRL about IF

At the same time, I'm absolutely petrified about sharing it and the immense vulnerability that goes along with it. What will people say or do? Will I get the usual garbage advice about relaxing and what worked for cousin Mark's wife's sister's friend? Will I be handled with kid gloves like I'm some sort of fragile piece of glass emotions? All that and I really don't want people to continually be checking on how things are "progressing" especially if they aren't. I don't want nor need any additional reminders than I currently already have about our non-conceived status.

What is the best way to put this news out there? I'm most definitely not the type to post to Facebook "Hey everyone! I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm infertile. After 10 cycles and 5mo of treatment, I'm still not pregnant. I did get pregnant in Jan and then had an early miscarriage. 'Kay thanks, bye." But I'm not sure I want to do it over the phone. I want to be able to put the facts on the table and not have any immediate comments or questions. I want my cake and I want to eat it too.

Why couldn't things be easier and I "accidentally" got knocked up our 1st month off prevention?


  1. Glad to hear the parent visit went well! As far as how to out yourself, I think it's best if it's one on one. During the course of a conversation with someone you're close to, inevitably there's that "so what have you been up to lately" question. And then you take a deep breath, and come clean. And yes, it would be so much easier if you accidentally got knocked up your 1st month - for all of us! Hugs!

  2. Glad the visit went well. I thinking having those you are close with knowing about what you are going through is important and helpful. Why not send an email-explain whats going on, what you have learned and also your feelings regarding it. You can give as much or little detail as you want, but at least it is out there. WIth those close to you knowing you well, they should know if you want to talk or don't. There are some helpful links on if you want to send those to help explain things for you a little bit (what to say, what not to say like 'just relax'...) People aren't going to understand what you are feeling bc they haven't been through it most likely, but they will try and knowing they are there, I find comforting in itself.
    Gaw I wish we had had an 'oops' moment too!!! Everyday I wish we did. hugs...

  3. We told our family but only in general terms, we said that we needed IVF but didn't tell them when we were cycling.

    You will get silly advice... hell it took us 6 years to concieve #1 and now we're ttc number 2 we still get the crappy advice... but we don't get the "when are you going to have (more) kids" questions and people are genrally more sensative about pregnancy announcements. Plus there's support there if I need it... not quite understanding but support.

    I don't know the best way to put the news out there, but there must be loads of advice out there, maybe check resolve like amiracle4us said. Good luck however you choose to tell them.

  4. I told my family and wish that I could take it back, but once a bell is rung, you can't un-ring it. However, my family is a hot mess and it sounds like your family is not. recommendation is to do what I did with my husband's family, which wasn't perfect and seamless, but generally has been a positive experience. Send them an email with a brief explanation of what you are going through and then tell them that you know it can be really difficult to know how to respond to what you are telling them, so you are providing them with some help if they want it. Then give out some helpful websites, such as:

    This is just what personally worked for me. I know that you are a strong and smart woman and that whatever you decide will be right. Best of luck.

  5. If you choose to tell your families, you will be guaranteed stupid advice. However, I think that in the long run, it really is easier for everyone (or at least those close to you) to know.

  6. There are some really great tools for family and friends of IFers on the Resolve website. One is a list of things that aren't helpful to say, and that actually triggered a really good conversation with my mom about what I needed from her in terms of support. I hope you find the support you need from your family and friends.