Saturday, February 5, 2011

Public vs Private

I've thought about this quite a bit since yesterday. What we define as public and private aspects of our lives. It was initially brought up during our session with the therapist. (I'll give the back story for her at the end of the post.) We were discussing our fertility difficulties, my miscarriage and the various coping mechanisms we were using, well mostly that I've been using. I told her that I had started a blog in January and how I feel it has helped get out a lot of my thoughts and feelings. She commended me for writing these posts and mentioned the irony of how such a private person as myself would put these very private and personal feelings and experiences out into public where everyone could see them. It is almost laughable that we've practically told no one we know in person that we were even TTC and yet I'm broadcasting my miscarriage to the whole world online.

And in other ways, it is still very much private. Sure, the whole world can see what I've written. However, the only ones that actually choose to do so are in the very close-knit world of IF. Individuals that have gone and/or  are going through the same or worse difficulties, trying and trying to start or continue their families.

I don't think I have made anything in our TTC journey truly public. I blog here; I participate in a TTC forum, and we have told a very select few friends that we are trying. It took a lot of back and forth for us to even decide to do a full disclosure to the parents yesterday regarding trying, getting pregnant, getting un-pregnant, and continuing trying. I have not made a single reference to any of that on Facebook (other than the secret/private TTC group I'm in) or in emails or any of that.

It's a bit surreal and strange to me to think that I am far more comfortable telling complete strangers these intimate details than some of my closest friends and family. But yesterday fully illustrated why I chose to do so. Ya'll get it. Ya'll understand. I don't feel I have to explain myself or our actions or in-actions to you. You just get it and know and support. There isn't the 20,000 questions, the inane comments and speculation. I'm not telling the whole world about the inner workings of my reproductive organs and hormones, our sex life, and any other issues. I'm telling my fellow non-fertiles, people that have shared the same back with me as well as "the rest of the world".

I agree that I am a very private person and tend to keep most things to myself. I feel that even though I'm putting this all out on the web, it is still being kept private. I'm only telling my closest, most trust-worthy friends. I'm not just telling random people about these things. I'm telling ya'll.

**Therapist info- We started seeing a professional several years ago for couples counseling as we were having some marital troubles and issues. Started out with this male therapist, but he seemed a bit too touch-feely about things and we didn't think we'd make too much progress there. We started seeing our current professional about 2yrs ago, maybe 2.5yrs. She was able to get through a lot of the ugly truths of our problems and serious progress was made. We decided to continue to see her even after the initial issues we went there for were resolved. There is nothing better than just putting everything out there once a month, getting a different perspective on things and using that to continue to grow. She is probably the reason we are still happily married and we probably wouldn't be here or even have contemplated TTC with out her help. She was great in response to our loss and our coping mechanisms for it, and very supportive and  excited about our potential future offspring.


  1. I'm so proud of you for seeing a therapist. It's hard sometimes to make that first leap, but once I started going regularly, I could definitely tell it has helped. I'm the same way with my blog - nobody other than my hubs knows the URL, and he doesn't read it. I am way too personal with my thoughts on my blog to share it with my friends/family in real life. Strange, huh.

  2. Found my way here through LFCA. I am so glad to hear you are seeing a therapist, so many in our community are not into the idea and it can help everyone at one juncture or another. (But hey, I am biased, I am a therapist.) Thinking of you and following along with your journey...

  3. Therapy is amazing! I have been going for only about 8 months now, but it is wonderful! I am glad that you are finding it so helpful. TTC is stressful on any relationship and those who have never gone through any infertility issues have no idea what sorts of stress it puts on a marriage. It's hard when you haven't told anyone in your 'real' life so you will have limited support...however we have told our close friends and our families and they don't usually provide the best support anyways. It can be a lonely street. Yay for blogging! Wishing you all the best!!

  4. I think there is a sort of release that comes from sharing with this community. While you can be as open as you want in your real life, unless someone has been here, they just don't get it. I've found this place to be such a source of support and I'm sure you will too!

  5. I have recently started reading your blog and I have left an award for you over at my blog

  6. There is a difference in sharing in the blogosphere vs. sharing with people you know. Almost everyone I know has been told that we are struggling with infertility but I don't share my infertility blog with anyone but the fellow non-fertiles. There are ugly feelings that go along with IF that only someone who has experienced it can understand.